WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the country wakes up and reads more and more reports of COVID-19 infections in the Trump administration, the virus itself issued a statement this morning indicating its own anxiousness about the situation.
According to COVID-19’s press statement, inhabiting so many Trump officials is making the virus “worried” for its own reputation. Late this week, it was reported that Katie Miller, wife of White House Senior Race War Adviser Stephen Miller, and press secretary to Vice President Pence, has tested positive for the coronavirus. This morning, reports that several members of the Secret Service have also tested positively started to surface. But it’s the situation with the Millers, coronavirus said, that have it most worried and troubled.
“Even deadly infectious diseases have reputations to maintain. I did not and do not want to be associated with racists who put kidnapped children in concentration camps,” COVID-19’s statement reads. “I may indiscriminately infect people. I may kill the elderly by the score, and I may make people incredibly sick. But I don’t think Nazis are good people too. I don’t think paper towels do much to help people ravaged by a flood, and I don’t think brown-skinned people are trying to kill off white people. And I surely don’t want to be associated with anyone who does think those things.”
COVID-19 worries that if its forced to be around Stephen Miller “and his ilk” for too long, it might start internalizing some of the hatred and bigotry that is Miller’s hallmark. The coronavirus “just wants to make people sick,” it doesn’t want to be racist and ignorant while doing so, it said. There are “respectable ways to conduct yourself” when you’re a virus, COVID-19 insisted.
“Going around and defending white nationalists isn’t one of those ways,” wrote the coronavirus. “When they write about me in the history books, I don’t want them comparing me to Nathan Bedford Forrest or Stonewall Jackson. I want them comparing me to decent folk like the Spanish Flu and the Bubonic Plague. Don’t compare me to Trumpists. Compare me to HIV, H1N1, anything that’s less repulsive and vile than a Trumpist, please.”
Being so close to all the Trump administration officials has made COVID-19 open to some things it might not have been even just a few days ago.
“Look, I’d rather be cured and eradicated than be close to Trumpists. Please, by all means develop a vaccine for me,” COVID-19 concluded its missive. “Nothing is worse than being in the same room as Stephen Miller. Nothing. I mean that. Wipe me out. Kill me off, please. If it means I never have to be in the same airspace as that balding, racist cunt, that’s a good trade-off in my book.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.