KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Concerns about the ongoing COVID-19 outbreak, particularly in the United States’ “Bible Belt,” have forced Jesus Hubert Christ to cancel his return visit to Earth.
This development will likely sadden, disappoint, and perhaps even enrage many American Christians who have been waiting diligently for Christ’s return since becoming Christians. In the Bible, the Book of Revelations foretells of a time when Jesus would return back to Earth. According to Jesus himself, he was “all set” to head back to Earth this weekend, but seeing the numbers of COVID-19 cases continue to spike in America made him rethink and ultimately cancel his metaphysical travel plans.
“As you all likely know,” Jesus told heavenly reporters today, “I promised that I’d come back to Earth at some point over 2,000 years ago. You know, like Frosty the Snowman. Anyway, the point is, this weekend I was gonna do it. I had my spot all picked out, a nice little town in Tennessee, Cold Cave Hills, I think it’s called.”
However, as his trip back to Earth got closer, Christ became worried about not seeing the coronavirus wave crest and flatten in the U.S. He decided to give it a little more time about three weeks ago when his father suggested he might want to put the return trip off. As the cases surged again after the Fourth of July weekend, Mr. Christ said he was “forced” to cancel his second coming.
“It’s not that I’m worried about catching it myself. I mean, hello,” Christ said, “I’m, like, Jesus Christ. Technically, it’s like I’m always in God mode, know what I mean? So I’d be fine. I could lick a trash can full of used coronavirus test swabs, and I’d be just fine. But frankly, seeing the idiots packing the Ozarks and beaches when their scientists were telling them how important it was to stay socially distant and wear masks made me realize they just weren’t ready for me to come back yet.”
While Jesus said he can’t “drop any hints” as to when he’ll do it, he promised that he would in fact come back at some point, just not while COVID-19 is ravaging America.
“Look, some people might be dicks and not care about the health of others. They might, say, I don’t know, try to hold a massive rally in Tulsa when the cases are actually spiking,” Jesus said. “That’s a level of self-aggrandizement even the literal Son of God can’t let himself rise to though. Only a true sociopath would hold a big event where lots of people might show up during a pandemic, but I dare say I can’t believe any humans my dad made would be that cold, callous, and egotistical.”
Off in the distance, someone could be heard shouting, “GRAB ‘EM BY THE PUSSY!” as if reverberating from down on Earth up into Heaven.
“Anyway, fear not, humans!I will return. I’m definitely coming back,” Jesus promised. “I mean, y’all got Disney+ now, and I have been dying to watch the entire Star Wars catalog in its entirety, in chronological order for years now! You gotta get COVID under control though, I’m not gonna be the one who holds a big rally and gets a bunch of people sick; I’m not that bigly of an asshole.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.