FUCKFACE, TEXAS — Canadian-born-Super-Texan-Cowboy-Elite-Ivy-League-Lawyer Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told his staff this morning during a conference call and prayer session that he’s “extremely nervous” about finding out the results of the election, and that’s why he’s been vocal in the press lately about not wanting to have long delays while all the votes are cast.
“Chip, let me tell you something. It’s extremely dangerous to consider the kind of country we’d live in if every vote was counted,” Cruz said during a recent interview on conservative talk radio, “simply because they were cast! Do we not owe it to the American public to give each and every non-white voter a brief but discreet colonoscopy, just to make sure they eat enough good, American beef to be eligible to vote, Chip? Don’t tell me I sound like the radical one!”
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Reportedly, Cruz told his aides that, depending on whether President Donald Trump or former Vice President Joe Biden wins the presidential election, he “may or may not be married to an ugly-ass skag, as the president demands we call her,” for another four years.
“And quite frankly, I don’t know what kind of stress that will start doing to my relationship,” Cruz told Chip. “Not to my wife, but to my lips. They do get awful chapped when they’re constantly exposed and attached to the president’s rectum or taint.”
Senator Cruz explained that shortly before officially accepting the Republican Party’s nomination for president in 2016, he and Trump had a meeting “off the books.”
“We discussed many things,” Cruz explained, “but one of the subjects that came up was my wife Heidi’s looks. And I told him flat-out, under no uncertain terms would I stand for him spending four years calling my wife ugly.”
It was clear emotion crept into Cruz’s voice, and he stammered a bit, clearing his throat several times before continuing.
“The problem is that I don’t think he could understand me so well on account of his balls having so completely traveled down my esophagus,” Cruz finished. “So, it’s been four years of him calling my wife ugly, to my face, every time we meet.”
Another few moments of Cruz clearing his throat were heard by the radio audience.
“What I’ve come to realize, Chip, is that America needs my wife to be the violently horrid-looking train wreck she is for another four years. At any rate, here’s hoping in just a few short days we’re toasting to four more years of prosperity, tax cuts for the people who deserve them,” Cruz said, “and of marriage to an absolutely pug-ugly she-beast! God bless us all! Go vote, everyone! Make my wife ugly again!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.