Cruz: “Republicans Just Want to Make Sure Voters Are the Right Shade of American”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attempting to explain to reporters why he and his fellow Republicans are against passing the new voting rights act being debated in Congress this week, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Cancun) explained that they “just want to make sure voters are the right shade of American.”

“Prior to anyone voting, don’t we have a right to know their shading? Don’t we have, in fact, a duty to make sure fully understand their, um, you know, pigmentation,” Cruz asked rhetorically. “I would say that I am highly suspicious of anyone who would tell me that I don’t have the right to suss out whether someone is the right shade of American before we let them vote.”

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Hearing the gasps from the press pool, and seeing them visibly recoil, Cruz sensed that more explanation might be needed.

“I can tell you might think we’re being racist. You might think that what I just said, about the whole shade thing, is code for race,” Cruz continued, “and let me just tell you, that is completely true. Of course it is. We’re fucking scumbags, as Republicans. But let me also make one thing perfectly clear.”

Cruz dug a booger out of his nose and stuffed it into his mouth, chewing as he spoke.

“My wife Heidi is an ugly dog-ass-bitch of a woman,” Cruz said. “Wait, hold on. Sorry, I forgot I didn’t have to say that all the time now that we have a new president. What I wanted to say about the racism thing is — who cares? I’ll never have to deal with my voters’ concerns about it, because well, they’re either racist or completely snowed by my lies about the racism in my rhetoric. Fox News won’t ask me to explain it. So, there’s that.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

With a shrug, Cruz picked another booger, ate it, and then shuffled off.