The following is an open letter submitted for publication to Alternative Facts by Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX). It is printed verbatim with no changes from the editorial staff.
The views and opinions expressed below are those of Sen. Cruz and not necssarily those of this publication.
Dear President Joe,
You have been in office now for over a month, Sleepy Joe. You’ve somehow found enough time in that span of days to sign literally sixteen trillion executive orders — most of them banning fracking, forcing everyone to call their marriage “gay,” and requiring all women to have at least five abortions before they die — and you’ve had time to hold memorials for the Americans our former God Emperor King President allowed to die most honorably. But there’s one thing you just haven’t had time to do, I guess, and I can’t help but wonder what that says about you, President Joe.
When are you going to insult my wife’s looks, sir?
How can the people of America trust you if you aren’t willing to weigh-in on the ugliness or not ugliness of my wife? I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that such an obviously full-blown communist, anti-America socialist wouldn’t respect our American values and presidential traditions. Still, just because I’m not surprised by your complete cowardice and abstention of duty, I cannot say I’m not still shocked by it.
Is my wife ugly or not, sir?
Before you somehow convinced 84 million Americans to prefer you over a racist, barking mad, reality-TV game show host, our country was guided by a lighthouse of truth. A beacon of reality, shining clear and bright. No matter what the country had thrown out at it, thanks to our Dear President, they could rely on some facts never changing. One of those facts, Mr. President, being the ugliness of my wife Heidi.
You sully the office each day you don’t give us your opinion on whether or not my wife is ugly. You risk further dividing us, President Joe. Just think of the bipartisan, across the aisle nature of confirming to MAGA-Americans everywhere what they have believed lo these last four years: that my wife is truly fucking horrific looking.
Please, Mr. President. Have pity. Show mercy. Don’t leave us out in the cold, yearning to know which direction we should go in. So I ask you this once more in closing.
When are you going to insult my wife’s looks, sir? I’m waiting. Heidi’s ugly ass is waiting. The nation’s waiting.
Sen. Ted “Booger Eating Psycho” Cruz
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.