Dear Mark and Jack: Put Your Grown-Up Pants on and Kick Trump Off Your Sites


Mark and Jack,

Hi. How are ya? How’re the Billions doing? Good, I hope. Keeping your heart warm and fulfilled, I’m sure.

It would be understandable if you were feeling a little stressed out, anxious, angry, or unnerved right now. We all see a certain, shall we say, “piss-soaked trust fund twat waffle tinted a lovely shade of tangerine” being such a whiny bitch about your websites, and all because sometimes you guys extend the literal bare minimum effort to remind people that truth is still a thing. His gripes about social media are as they ever are about any given thing he complains about — performative, grandiose, verbose, rambling, incoherent rage fits meant to be a distraction from his gargantuan hypocrisy and self-evident incompetence.

Have you ever asked yourselves if it’s even worth it having that piece of shit on your platforms? After all, to my knowledge there is no law passed by Congress that a president is entitled to any social media accounts. Could he legally demand that McDonald’s allow him to spray paint “Barack Obama’s a Muslim!” in all their restaurants?

According to him, and Bill Barr, and Dan “Definitely Masturbates to Old Videos of Hillary Clinton Speeches” Bongino, sure. But to the rest of us?

By my count, the first 43 presidents didn’t have a Twitter or Facebook account. Somehow, Abraham Lincoln was able to sign the Emancipation Proclamation without tweeting, “Just freed them Southern slaves, fam. @RebJeffDavis, how you like me now, BITTTTTTTTTCH?! #FuckYourSovereignty #Union4Ever #ShermansMarchUpYourCornholes,” wasn’t he? It’s almost like, as the world’s most powerful human being, the president commands enough attention in and of himself, and doesn’t really need social media accounts because every reputable news source will broadcast the news he creates anyway. In saner timeline, the president wouldn’t have time to post pictures of his food and whine about who’s making fun of him on TV that night, and therefore wouldn’t need social media in the first place.

Imagine a world where you two kids had the actual strength it took to just shut his accounts down and ban Trump.
I know from very personal experience that both of y’all have Terms of Service that your platforms enforce. In fact, if you ask people like me, or my buddy Dan Broadbent (The Science Enthusiast), we’d we could give anyone who cared to ask a litany of the times that Facebook and Twitter have swung their ban hammers and silenced our digital voices. In 2018 I spent 90 out of 365 days — that’s just about a quarter of it — in “Facebook Jail.” That’s where I don’t get to post or comment or even use Messenger for 30 days. I’ve heard so many of my friends tell me about times they’ve been put in Facebook Jail, and for things that are comically absurd and nowhere near as dangerous as the violent extremist shit Facebook fosters in its groups, or Twitter allows to foment on its servers.
…or that Trump tweets on the regular.

Despite what he’s arguing, and you’re apparently totally tacitly agreeing to, there is no right to a Twitter account. Trust me. I’ve lost 8 of them.

I once spent 30 days in Facebook Jail for a satirical Tide Pod meme. If you’ve spent any time on social media and are in any way a potty mouth, or someone who pops off at authority figures or about bullshit in general, you will run afoul of the terms of service. And yet, somehow, Trump has violated Facebook and Twitter policies numerous times and has not been suspended or banned from either site.

Nobody else would be allowed to act this way; why does Trump get away with it?

You two could pull the plug on on him, if you wanted to act like the alleged adult billionaires you are.

Supposedly, you’re titans of industry or whatever? I heard that means you can, like, control what goes on at your own company, or something? I don’t know, don’t ask me. I just read things. About some kind of “Free Market” economy or something, wish I could remember whether or not that means you have to act like Trump runs your company, or you do.

I don’t think you’d be doing any disservice to the integrity of the office by just suspending his accounts.

You all are the ones treating Trump like anointed royalty. You are pretending, or perhaps you are actually convinced, that you cannot ban heads of state. Like government officials don’t have to play by the same rules we simple plebs — whose data you guys mine for buck$ — play by.


No titles of nobility. Those four words mean something and they’re enshrined in our founding document because of how much they mean. You can, should, and really must kick Donald Trump off your platforms.

In a just universe that obscenely unqualified, criminally unfit, demonstronstrably wackaloon craycray autocratic idiot would just be another blathering old washed-up has-been semi-celebrity shouting at his bot followers on Twitter about the New World Order and calling Obama the N-word except saying “Barry Soetoro” instead.

But that might get him sued for trademark infringement by Randy Quaid or James Woods, so…

I propose something that might be kind of radical, but go with me here: Grow-the-fuck-up.

It’s time for you to remember that the Constitution doesn’t tell you have to treat him like anything other than the the D-list, reality TV, carnival barking, lunatic racist he was before 30% of the country gave him control of our nuclear arsenal. You’re the ones acting like he’s above the law, and you’re being done so dirty by a talentless piece of shit who by all rights should be behind bars for white collar crimes if not for literally selling his country out to a foreign adversary, and would have been if Bob Mueller wasn’t required by law to treat him differently than he would get to treat you or me.

You guys aren’t Bob Mueller. You’re Mark Facebook and Jack Twitter. You make your own rules in your own homes, and you’re fully entitled to enforce them.

Be the adults you are. You are worth actual billions. You can afford whatever bullshit legal hassels he threatens but will never make good on because he is a cowardly shell of a human being.

He pretends he’s worth the billions that you guys are actually worth. He’s very jealous of you for that, by the way, and very likely has a raging case of cash penis envy. A cash penis, by the way, is the size of your cash pile, if it were a penis. Yours are super-duper big. His, like his actual peen, is un-that.

You are the chief executives of private corporations in the United States. Actual Republicans will awaken with the hardest of cocks if you exercise your power and kick that pudge golem off your websites, I promise you.

He’ll survive.

Or the shock and embarrassment of it all will make him literally self-destruct, imploding in on his own asshole, which will swallow him completely up.

Then, the gelatinous husk that contained all the bile, diarrhea, racist Breitbart headlines, and fried butter that he is would explode, dousing his gold digging, racist, vapid, enabling piece of shit Eva Braun of a wife with his putrid soul gravy. The only reason his equally vacuous, complicit, criminal douchebag asshole of a daughter wouldn’t get hit with it is that she would be in the bathroom trying to understand why she couldn’t see herself in the mirror when she looked into it.

At that point, I think Ashton Kutcher would probably show up and vacuum up the whole fucking thing with his ShopVac, grin, and tell America we’ve been Punk’d for the last four years.

And what a fucking shame that would be, huh?

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.


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