Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (Q) has not indicated one way or the other whether he intends to seek his party’s presidential nomination in 2024, but if the world were to be asked to judge by his actions, it would certainly seem he’s trying to position himself as the most conservative elected official in the country. In recent weeks, DeSantis has signed a handful of laws and taken direct actions that the extreme right has cheered, and it appears he’s poised to do it yet again.
DeSantis has already signed the “Don’t Say Gay” law and a strict 15-week abortion ban onto Florida’s books. He’s also pushed through an extremely partisan congressional map, and has attacked Disney — one of his state’s largest employers — because they said publicly they will work to repeal Don’t Say Gay.
Today, DeSantis launched what some might call his most ambitious attack, or defense of evangelical values, to date.
The governor announced, while sitting in front of a group of right-wing religious fundamentalists, that he was “strongly and bigly considering” calling for a special session of the Florida State legislature. During that session, DeSantis has asked that lawmakers give his office the power to file a class action lawsuit on behalf of all white Floridians. The defendant in the suit would be none other than God, who DeSantis said is “perpetrating a scheme of woke, anti-whiteness” that must be stopped.
“Keep in mind that what I say right now should be heard not through my Ivy League Law School trained voice; it should be heard through my pseudo-Trumpian authoritarian voice, okay? But it has come to my attention that the Holy Bible, which is supposedly the word of God, doesn’t have a single, solitary white person in it,” DeSantis said with a scoffing tone. “This is obviously very alarming, and it’s clearly something we need to address. How in the heck God approved CRT to be in the Bible is beyond my ability to understand, but we won’t take it lying down, I can promise you that.”
He’s currently unsure if there are any laws on the books in his state that he can use to punish God for leaving white people out of the Bible, but DeSantis said he’s open to starting with economic sanctions, and once he gets the authority to sue God, he’ll direct his attorney general to do just that.
“I just think it sets a dangerous precedent to not make white people the center of your story. I think it does a grave injustice to white people to have a historically accurate view of the time, place, and setting of the stories in the Bible. And I just feel like it must abridge every non-pigmented Floridian’s constitutional rights to not have white people in the Bible, and that’s what my lawsuit will try to hold God accountable for.”
Larry “God” Schumway could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.