NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The outgoing president’s sons have sent urgent letters to, as one of them put it, “the most powerful man not named Vladimir Putin I know,” begging him to give them a new presidential election for Christmas.
“Deer [sic] Santa, my name is Donald Trump Jr, and my daddy says I’m the second smartest guy named Donald Trump! I am writing to you today to ask for you to give me and my family a new eleckshun [sic],” one of the letters asked plainly, “because even though I really want Legos, Star Wars action figures, and new Crayola crowns, President Daddy said I have to ask you for a new eleleckshun [sic] instead.”
Eric Trump’s letter to Santa had the same exact request.
“Mr. Santa Man,” Eric wrote, “my President Daddy has been very bigly sad for the last month! I haven’t seen him this mad since Ivanka had to move in with Brother-in-Law. I think he is sad because of the election being stoleded [sic] from him. Can you please bring him a new election, and then once you do that, can I have pupee [sic] and a Playstation 5?”
In an unforeseen development, Santa Claus has already received the Trump Boys’ letters and actually responded to their requests. Generally, Mr. Kringle has a strict policy against replying to any letters he receives, however, he told Eric and Donald Jr. that in “extraordinary times,” sometimes he has to break his own rules.
“Dear Eric and Donald Jr.,” Santa Claus replied, “I have received your letters, and I decided to go against my own policies to reply directly to them, and I will provide your answer to your request right now: LOL, no. Go fuck yourselves. I give presents to good little boys and girls. You are neither good, nor little boys, despite what your social media jokes would imply.”
Donald Jr. indicated that if he can’t get the new election for his father, he’d still like the PS5.
“I love President Daddy, like, a lot, and stuff, but that PS5 looks really bad ass,” Don Jr wrote, “so can I pleez [sic] have it no matter what, even if you can’t force the states to have another election, please, Santa?!”
Instead, Santa told the Trump Boys they will not be getting anything from him for Christmas.
“You get nothing from me for Christmas. Not even a lump of coal,” Santa writes, “because there is one policy I will not be violating, and that’s my Checkin’ It Twice policy. You guys are on the Naughty List, and have been since the mid 1980’s. Maybe stop shooting defenseless animals if you want a prayer at getting off that list.”
Neither Eric nor Donald Jr. has replied back to Santa Claus.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.