Today, social media site OnlyFans announced that beginning in October, content its moderators deem to be “sexually explicit” will no longer be allowed on their servers. The company has built a successful brand, at least in part, on offering users that exact type of content, however concerns about attracting new investors and long term growth were reportedly behind the decision to ban such content.
While nude images will still be allowed, one very famous OnlyFans subscriber has already blasted the decision, and has reportedly told friends he’s “officially done” and canceling his membership.
“If I can’t see her doing hardcore fuck-action stuff, I don’t frankly care about OnlyFans,” Trump told guests waiting in the Mar-a-Lago buffet line as he cut in front of them. “Now, if I follow Ivanka on OnlyFans, I’ll be missing out on the GOOD stuff. The REALLY good stuff.”
Reportedly, when Trump received the news that OnlyFans was moving away from sexually explicit content, he immediately ordered a nuclear attack on their corporate headquarters. The maid staff at Mar-a-Lago apparently told Trump they don’t have that kind of power, and neither does he anymore. Outraged, Trump jumped on the phone and tried to get Air Force One to come pick him up.
“But they’ve changed all the old White House extensions that he knew, so instead he got someone on the grounds grew on the horn,” one source close to the situation told us, “but they just laughed at him and hung up.”
An angry Trump released a written statement hours later, condemning OnlyFans for their decision, and vowing “quick revenge on behalf of my very normal sized and shaped peenween.”
“On August 54th, things in this country will change, by God,” Trump’s statement reads, “and that is when these enemies of my boner will pay bigly for taking away my sweet, sweet Vanky’s sexcapades from me.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.