FORT SHITTFERBRAYNS, TEXAS — A lot of Americans might not know that there are more than one Harvard Medical School, and they could be forgiven if they only know about the most famous one in Boston. However, in the mid-1990’s, alleged billionaire and future pretend-President Donald J. Trump trademarked, incorporated, and franchised a string of Harvard Medical Schools, and of the 30 campuses he opened nationwide, four still exist, all of them in the Bible Belt.
Today, Harvard Medical School of Texas announced that one of its most prestigious and well-known professors, Dr. Joe Rogan, M.D., will be leaving the faculty to return to television to host a reboot of “Fear Factor.” Rogan recently made headlines when he bucked what most other, traditionally accredited doctors have recommended, and told listeners to his podcast that he would not advice “healthy” young males in their 20’s to get vaccinated against COVID-19. Rogan didn’t offer much explanation, medically speaking, for his views, but did say that he was confident in his analysis after a pow-wow with Alex Jones and the MyPillow guy.
While Dr. Rogan, the country’s leading expert on pseudoscientific bullshittery, received his undergraduate degree in human biology from Dunning Kruger University, but got the bulk of his medical training and knowledge from hosting the reality-TV game show competition on NBC in the early 2000’s. For the last several years, he’s hosted a podcast which is one of the premiere destinations for mediocre people to pontificate on subjects they know very little, or nothing, about.
“We fully expect Dr. Rogan to return to his teaching duties at some point in the future,” Harvard Medical School of Texas Human Resource Director Sean Spicer told reporters today. “He is the country’s most important medical scholar, period, and we’re very lucky to have him on our staff. That being said, watching desperate attention whores stuff bugs down their throats might be the most relevant and intellectually astute thing Dr. Rogan’s done in many years, so we absolutely encouraged him to take the gig.”
While there is no set premiere date for the updated Fear Factor, Rogan previewed some of the ideas for stunts that he’s decided to pitch to the show’s producers on his podcast this morning.”
“Oh! Oh! Bro! You have no idea how stoked I am to take a quick break from teaching MAGA-patriots about why horny goat weed can prevent testicular cancer almost as well as not being a cuck does, and you gotta see some of the shit I wanna do on Fear Factor 2.0,” Rogan teased. “Like, the contestants will need to lick a thousand used coronavirus test swabs, or kiss Lindsey Graham after he gets done ‘golfing’ with Trump at Mar-a-Lago and tell us what they think Don had for breakfast that morning.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.