NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Not wanting to miss out on all the fun the grown-ups in the family had been having lately, Eric Trump — second-born prince of HRH King Donald of MAGAstan — was overheard saying words he’d heard recently by several sources. It’s unclear exactly when Eric started listing words, but many close to the situation say things are already in uncharted waters because no one understood beforehand just how many words Eric actually knows.
“He’s a sweet, simple boy,” one witness told us. “How in the hell could he know so many words? We don’t dare ask him to be quiet. His Majesty the King has made it quite clear how important it is that we keep all his children from throwing tantrums. That right belongs only to him, and we shall not forget it as long as he’s High Emperor King God President.”
Reportedly, Eric at first just parroted what he heard his father saying over and over.
“Person, woman, man, camera, TV,” Eric was overheard repeating for thirty solid minutes. “Person, woman, man, camera, TV.”
Finally, someone had enough, and asked Eric if he “knew anymore words, like a big boy.” A beaming Eric nodded his head up and down enthusiastically. Taking a deep breath, Eric started rattling off other words he knew.
“Person, woman, man, camera, TV, doggy, kitty, baby, rainbow,” Eric said, “money for kids with cancer, Daddy sniffing Sissy’s underpants, tax loophole, fuck the poor…”
Eric’s wife tried to get him to stop, but now that he was going, the only way he’d finish is when he ran out of breath, fell asleep, or ran out of words that he knew.
“Person, woman, man, camera, TV, farts, people who look like sandwiches, racist jokes,” Eric continued, “baseball, hockey stick, chewing gum, red, blue, green, purple, yellow…”
As his family came in and out of the room, Eric was still cycling through words he knew.
“Pee-pee, caca, fart fart, weenie wiggle,” Eric said, clearly running out of steam. “Umm…PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV, TACO BELL, MACHINE GUN…UMM…DID I SAY PERSON YET?”
When words failed him, Eric started counting, which since numbers are also technically words, he said “it still counts.”
“One, two, three, five, twelve, elevendy-seven,” Eric started spouting both real and imaginary numbers.
At the time of publication, Mr. Trump was still busy saying words he knew. By the time our sources left him in his New York apartment, Eric had taken to simply pointing at things in the room and naming them.
“Remote control, light switch, window,” Eric said, “thingy we plug electoral college stuff into, picture, picture frame, wall, apartment, apartment building, street, New York, United States, Earth…”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.