Fauci: “Cruz Has the Same Punchablefaceitis That Rand Paul’s Neighbor Diagnosed Him With”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ted Cruz and Sen. Rand Paul share something other than a membership to a political party that views counting votes as cheating. According to Dr. Anthony Fauci, both senators also suffer from the same medical malady.

Fauci’s diagnosis of Cruz came after the Texas-by-Way-of-Harvard-by-Way-of-Canada Republican joined with Paul to attack the doctor leading the country’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. Both Cruz and Paul have been angling to have Fauci investigated for lying to Congress about whether the National Institute of Health helped any “gain of function” research, which some on the right feel was the origin of the novel coronavirus that has wreaked havoc on the planet since late 2019.

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In a television interview, Fauci responded to Cruz’s implications that he should be prosecuted. Fauci blanched at the suggestion, and fired back a question about Cruz’s role in a failed pro-Trump insurrection.

“What happened on January 6th, Senator,” Fauci asked sarcastically, implying that Cruz helped stoked the violence that day with baseless claims of a stolen election.

Today, on ABC’s Good Morning America, Fauci revealed that he and a small team of researchers at the NIH had been studying Cruz and Paul, and came to the conclusion that they both suffer from an affliction there is only one known cure for.

“Punchablefaceitis is a very rare, but very serious condition. That is, I should say it’s rare except among Republican senators. They seem to suffer from it quite a bit. In fact, it was Rand Paul’s neighbor who first diagnosed that brill-o haired fuckwit’s punchablefaceitis, which ironically also showed us what the only known cure is,” Fauci explained.

“Senator Cruz has the same Punchablefaceitis that Rand Paul’s neighbor diagnosed him with. It’s pretty obvious, just from casual observation, but once you parse out the data it’s quite clear — Ted Cruz and Rand Paul have imminently punchable faces, and the only way to cure us of it is to punch them in the face, which is of course a felony. So I’m afraid, I think their punchablefaceitis may remain uncured until they finally do us all a favor, and fuck off and die.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.