After Playing Fetch With Tiffany, Trump Says His Bone Spurs Feel Just Fine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Outgoing President Donald J. Trump is resting comfortably, and White Doctors say his bone spurs are feeling fine, after he played a rigorous game of fetch with his daughter, Tiffany “Not Ivanka” Trump.

“President Donald Trump decided to show the American people what they’d be missing the next four years, and he invited his daughter, Not Ivanka, to play a rousing game of fetch with him,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters from a written statement this morning, “and as he is the most physically fit and healthy president of all time, ever, he completed his game of fetch with Not Ivanka and his entire body, bone spurs and all, remains intact and uninjured.”

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McDitzydick wondered aloud if, perhaps, the Supreme Court should “take into account” that Trump is able to “play with his dogs” without injuring himself while “other, Sleepy Bo Beepy candidates” cannot, and overturn the election results.

“I know that this hasn’t been considered before, but we’ve never had a president whose feelings are so easily hurt before,” McDitzydick suggested, “and if there’s one thing good, clean, white, ammo hoarding Christian American patriots know — it’s that protecting our president’s feelings is more important than literally anything else right now.”

While not every president has had a pet while living in the White House, many have chosen to have at least one animal companion. Mr. Trump was the first in quite awhile to not have a pet during his entire tenure in the Oval Office. Presidents Clinton, Bush, and Obama all had more than one pet while they were in office.

“In general, the president tries to keep any person or animal from usurping his attention,” McDitzydick said, “and that has meant he doesn’t even want to have a pet, because a lot of times people end up paying as much, if not more attention, to them and not him. But he’s always treated Tiffany like a dog, and so it’s pretty much the same thing.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.