I’m in Florida. My Cousin’s in Tennessee. We’re Moving to TX to Protect Our Baby From Groomers.

The following editorial was submitted by Eddie Pesghetti, a 35 year old resident of Lake Shitass, Florida. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pesghetti, and only those of Mr. Pesghetti. They do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of this outlet, its ownership, or staff.

MORE: Stable Hands Confirm Marjorie Taylor Greene Has Always Been Anti-Grooming

You may have noticed in recent weeks that we MAGA-American patriots are growing increasingly concerned about the notion of our children being groomed, sexually speaking, by their teachers in public schools. We are convinced, as the Loud and Obnoxious, Not Really All that Silent Minority That Thinks Its The Majority, that this is a widespread epidemic, and that pretty much every single Democrat is a pedophile or pedophile adjacent, and pro-grooming. That we cannot find or point to any evidence to confirm our deeply rooted paranoia and moral panic is not really the point, and quite frankly you should be ashamed for even asking us for evidence.

As generally worried as we are about grooming as a voting bloc, let me just say right now how personally concerned I am about grooming. In fact, my soon-to-be wife and I are each moving out of our state, into a third, in order to do the most we absolutely can to protect our kid from grooming. Well, our soon-to-be kid, as my cousin is still just in the very beginning stages of pregnancy. Too soon for a lot of women to even know they’re pregnant, too late for Elizabeth to get an abortion thanks to the glorious heartbeat, ultrasound, and emotional blackmail laws where my beloved lives.

But, the future Mrs. Betty Pesghetti would never do such a thing anyway.

She knows, as a good, clean, gun toting, Bible thumping, Christ loving, red meat eating, racist joke telling Christian American Patriot that not only is abortion murder, a woman is simply too emotional to be trusted to make her own vagina-based decisions anyway! When we found out that we were expecting a new, non-branching addition to our family tree, Betty and I knew that as much as we love our home states, Texas would be the ideal place for us to raise our little redneck.

I’m in Florida. We do have some of the greatest anti-grooming laws here, what with Don’t Say Gay on the books now. Still, if they were truly ironclad anti-grooming laws, Matt Gaetz would be kicked out, and he’s still buddy-buddy with my guy Ron DeSantis, so I’m not sure what’s up with that.

Betty’s in Tennessee. It’s great that she’s there, because it’ll make marrying her all the more easier, given that she’s not quite out of her junior year, and Robert E. Lee High School is quite particular about only allowing their students out of class with parental or spousal permission.

Still, though, Texas really is MAGA Mecca, and that’s where we want to raise our little bundle of incest. We want our kid raised in the deep fried, confederate flag draped heart of the MAGA movement, because we know Texas will always do what it has to so that it can stay ahead of the curve, and if we’re ever going to live in a Jesus-based autocracy, we have to start in Texas.

I hope that more of my fellow Americans will join us in Texas. Betty could use some help on Friday nights with the kids. That’s our date night, and we hear Texas is just lousy with things to do on dates. We can’t get to any bowling alleys or lynching parties without some Texas-sized babysitting though.

However, I’m begging all you Blue State Libtard Groomers to stay the hell out of Texas! We don’t want you ruining it with your progressive values that acknowledge we live in the 21st century, not the 19th! Oh, but you can send your tax dollars here, still.

We’re gonna still need those, obviously.

 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.