Florida Bans Education

Education of any kind is now completely and fully illegal within Florida’s state lines, thanks to a new order signed by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q). DeSantis signed the order just after his administration rejected more than 50 math textbooks because they claim the material in the books encouraged things like Critical Race Theory and were built on “Common Core” mathematics principles.

This is just the latest in a spate of moves that the DeSantis administration has made in the arena of public education. In recent weeks he has signed the “Don’t Say Gay” law onto the books, which is an attempt to dramatically curb how teachers speak and behave in Florida’s classrooms, potentially making it illegal for a gay teacher to tell her third grade students what she and her wife did over summer vacation. After DeSantis signed the new order barring any and all forms of education in any building in the state, he explained his rationale.

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“I’m actually very proud of this order, because I think it finally rips the band-aid off and does something we should have done in this state a long time ago. It’s high-time we admit that a lot of what we REAL Americans were saying about education is completely true — it’s a tool of the literal devil and only evil people are so-called educated,” DeSantis said while rubbing his Harvard Law degree on his genitals and moaning slightly. “Education leads to people knowing things that make mayo-pigmented Americans have sads in their fee-fee centers, and I was elected to do one thing — protect bigoted white fee-fees!”

DeSantis argued that education can lead to the breakdown of the nuclear family.

“Christian Americans, you know, the only ones that Constitution even applies to? Well, they understand deeply how important it is for your kids to believe that you’re the only one who knows things. So you send your kid off to some Woketopian Indoctrination camp — they call it KINDERGARTEN — and they come back acknowledging the existence of gay people! And that has to stop. It’s a threat to the American family, and I won’t stand for it!”

DeSantis then said the the “true inspiration” for banning all education in the Gunshine State came from the “only science or math book patriots need.”

“Crack open your bibles, folks, if you have a problem with this. God clearly cast Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for learning about critical race theory and common core math. Why do you think they call it the Tree of Knowledge in Genesis,” DeSantis asked rhetorically. “So, you know what, if you want to get mad about punishing people for acquiring knowledge and making themselves smarter, TAKE IT UP WITH GOD!”

DeSantis gave everyone the finger and ran out of the room, crying.

MORE: I’m in Florida. My Cousin’s in Tennessee. We’re Moving to TX to Protect Our Baby From Groomers.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.