Florida Bans Teaching Any Pronouns to Any Student at Any Grade Level

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — Republicans in The Gunshine State have pushed a new law through their legislature and onto the desk of Gov. Ron DeSantis, who is expected to sign it in just a matter of hours. Once that order is signed, no teacher of any grade level at any school can teach students about pronouns — any pronouns.

According to the Protect Our Bigoted Feefees Act, any teacher who instructs a student on the subject of pronouns in the English language will be subject to no less than ten years in prison and a fine of at least enough rubles to offset the ones DeSantis lost in campaign contributions once Russian sanctions kicked in. However, unlike previous laws, Protect Our Bigoted Feefees doesn’t just regulate pronouns related to sexual or gender identity. Instead, it seeks to ban literally every pronoun from every single school in the state.

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“Obviously, getting to a place where there are no pronouns whatsoever is the best solution to this problem. Because it’s completely ridiculous to expect someone to rethink their view of things in light of new data and life experience,” Rep. Tom Thompaulsen, one of the bill’s co-sponsors, told us via Skype. “The simple truth is that here in Florida, we don’t want to use pronouns anymore, period, because they are divisive.”

Catching himself, Thompaulsen then asked if he could repeat the last thing he said, but with changes that brought it more in-line with the spirit and letter of the new anti-pronoun law.

“That is to say, the simple truth is that here in blank, blank don’t want to use pronouns anymore, period, because blank are divisive,” Thompaulsen said before quickly muttering under his breath, “Jesus Christ we’re gonna look so fucking stupid for this one.”

Once more, Thompaulsen caught himself and quickly corrected.

“That is, um, Blank Blank, blank are gonna look so fucking stupid for this one,” Thompaulsen said with exhaustion in his voice. “Man, I really hope the RNC knows what the fuck they’re doing with this one.”

And, again, Thompaulsen realized what he’d done.

“FUCK! One more time: Blank, Blank really hope the Blank knows what the fuck blank are doing with this one,” Thompaulsen said before terminating the Skype session in a flood of frustrated tears, and even a fart or two.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.