The terms have been dictated.
Some Satire to Try: UPDATE: Mitch McConnell Still a Certifiably Racist, Wet-Eyed, Wattle-Necked Cuntsicle
The game will be played out in a matter of weeks, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s replacement will be rushed through and seated by Senate Republicans — the same predominantly old, white men, who told us four years ago Capt. Blackman McDemocrat couldn’t choose a Supreme Court justice in an election year. Barring a miracle, or the Democrats in the Senate showing the kind of courage, spine, and gumption it takes to literally put a physical stop to the proceedings, there will be a 6-3 conservative majority in the Supreme Court.
So what options do non-Trumpian Americans have?
As far as I can see, our options are pretty easy to ferret out. Literally everything, though, hinges on one simple act: winning the election in November. Not just the presidency; the Senate.
Taking the Senate back is the key, and when and if we do, we can wield OUR power to:
- End McConnell’s Leadership
- End Republican Majority in the Senate
- NUKE THE FILIBUSTER
- Pack the Supreme Court
- Impeach and Remove Brett Kavanaugh
- D.C. Statehood
- Puerto Rico Statehood
- UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE
Let’s call it “Ginsburg’s Revenge.”
The Trump Cult is already onto this notion, and they’re scared it’ll come to fruition. Just today, Barbie McDitzydick slammed plans to add justices to the court as an attack on the Constitution. Apparently Ms. Ivy League Joe Goebbels With a Vagina doesn’t know her U.S. history enough to understand the number of justices has fluctuated many times. Or, more likely, she knows, and doesn’t want the president’s cultish followers to think about it, so she ignores that fact.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi has threatened to use impeachment to undo the Constitution, particularly Article II, Section II.
That is shameful but unsurprising from the Speaker! pic.twitter.com/qrrpBAX2uK
— Kayleigh McEnany (@PressSec) September 22, 2020
If we pull this off, they will cry. Everyone who called us a “snowflake” will melt. And when they cry, we collect their little conservative tears and instead of drinking them, we use them for jack lube, because nothing makes you cum harder than watching a fascist religious nutbag cry.
Admittedly, doing all that would mean the Trump Republican Party would label us “radical leftists.” Then again, I’ll let you in on a little secret.
They will call you a “radical liberal” no matter what.
Anything you think, say, or do that doesn’t come straight from Trump’s mouth, or his surrogates’ assholes, or vice versa, will get you labeled as a radical leftist. Go back and reread all those bullet points up there. What, exactly, about all that is more radical than telling rape victims they have to birth their rapists’ babies? Which one of those is more radical than letting the government continue to approve of the oppression of the LGTBQ+ community? We should rip healthcare away from millions of people because which one of those bullet points is too extreme to consider?
The real “radicals” in this century are the ones trying to drag us backward a couple.
Call me crazy, but I would argue that using the Electoral College to win the presidency twice in twenty years without the popular support of the people and then stuffing the highest court in the country full of justices once you got there is the definition of “radically reshaping” the country.
I know, it’s a real shocker when Republicans, particularly Trump-publicans, show themselves to be above the fold, all-caps hypocrites that project who they are onto their opponents, but try not to faint when you read it.
Maybe it’s time for American conservatives to get a dose of what radical liberalism would really look like.
Perhaps what Justice Ginsburg’s legacy really should be is a re-awakening of her progressive spirit, within all of us. Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a fighter the likes of which we all could take a page from. I’m not just talking about her fights to bring equality to the genders, which she most certainly belongs on American currency for doing. She didn’t just fight injustice and inequality, she fought cancer, more than once, and kicked its ass, more than once. Let us take on the GOP’s tyranny of the minority with the same lust for battle that Ginsburg took on every one of her challenges, legal or personal.
The way I see it? They’re going to accuse us of being far-left radicals and re-shaping America anyway, so let’s just, oh, I don’t know…
FUCKING DO IT.
If McConnell hadn’t fucked with Obama’s nomination of Garland, I would believe, shitty as as it is, that we have to let Trump get his pick. Republicans can pretend this whole thing started with Kavanaugh, and they can pretend Robert “Authoritarian Goon” Bork belonged on the bench, but we’re under no obligation to accept that reality. The reality is that McConnell is a shameless partisan twunt and so is almost every single Republican in the Senate, the way things look at this hour.
Trump Republicans broke everything and are now smugly telling us it’s our fault as if we didn’t just watch them deny Garland even a single hearing. But let’s maybe focus on the positive, because in times like these, that’s sometimes all you can do.
The positive outcome of this shit is if the actual Real Americans, not the culty ones, come together and sweet Trumpism out of power. Then, we laugh as they cry when we cram two to five new justices on the Supreme Court bench, ram universal healthcare down their ungrateful throats, and then do some more “radical” reshaping of America.
Embrace being a radical.
Arch conservatives have been the radicals all along, desperately trying to undo decades of progress…and they’re knocking on that door right now. There is no high ground with Trump Republicans, and everyone who is opposed to them needs to realize that fact right now. Get in touch with your inner colonist and be willing to fight very, very dirty if we have to.
Nuke the filibuster after you give Biden a supermajority. Restore the voting rights act. End partisan gerrymandering. Take turns punching the fuck out of McConnell’s face. You know, do good stuff the country needs.
..fuck it. Let’s shoot the moon.
At this point it should be clear that the GOP has no morals. They have no principles outside the principle of warfare. So, cry havoc, motherfuckers, and let slip the dogs of electoral politics.
SOME MORE SATIRE: Mike Pence Explains How Ripping Wombs Out of Immigrant Women is Pro-Life and Not Permanent Abortion
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.