In Fake Hearing, Giuliani Claims Hunter Biden’s Laptop Voted 80 Million Times

PHARTSALOT, PENNSYLVANIA — Things are getting, for lack of any better phrase to describe it, “fucking stupid,” for the the outgoing president and his campaign’s legal team. Over a month ago, the American people spoke and they rejected a second Trump term. Though the margins were close in some states, once all the votes were counted — something that Trump and his team of allegedly competent lawyers is still planning to contest to the Supreme Court — the president lost by the same exact Electoral College margin that swept him into office four years ago.

The legal team representing Trump has yet to win more than a single case in court, but that hasn’t stopped them from setting up fake hearings in hotel conference rooms and state legislatures to air grievances and accuse people of committing fraud because they counted the votes that were cast. While it should be noted that none of Trump’s witnesses or whistleblowers has convinced any judges to throw out any votes or invalidate any results, the president’s team doesn’t seem prepared to to stop holding the fake hearings, and this morning they held on in Pennsylvania.

MORE: Trump Legal Team Wants to Wrap Entire Supreme Court in Tinfoil Before Presenting Their Arguments

During the hearing, Rudy Giuliani made a stunning accusation that he hadn’t made before, though his allegation was tangentially related to another high-profile muckraking campaign he undertook earlier this year.

“What I don’t understand is why nobody is asking to see Hunter Biden’s laptop,” Mr. Giuliani pondered today, “because we have strong suspicions and even stronger emotions that lead us to believe that it’s perhaps maybe kinda sorta possible that his laptop voted 80 million times. We want to know why the mainstream media and even some of you, here, in this room today, aren’t talking about Hunter’s laptop and how many times it voted. We demand those answers.”

It’s unclear at this time how Mr. Giuliani believes Mr. Biden’s laptop was able to cast 80 million votes and not be detected on Election Day. It’s also unclear if Mr. Giuliani understands he lives on Earthy. In fact, there isn’t much that is very certain about what is happening right now. However, Giuliani did give some hints in the fake hearing today.

“Don’t you all see what’s going to happen if we don’t act? Trump will lose,” Giuliani said, “and his feelings will get hurt. Do we live in America if a rich, old white man has his feelings hurt? I don’t think so, and I believe that trickles down to the people who worship the old, rich white man. Their feelings, quite frankly, matter more than your silly little votes matter.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.