God Tells Pat Robertson to “Suit Up and Fight for Putin If He Wants the End Times So Badly”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This past weekend, fossilized human and retired televangelist Pat Robertson seemed to throw his support behind Russian President Vladimir Putin’s illegal invasion of Ukraine, on biblical grounds.

Speaking on his old television show, Robertson said he believes Putin is doing what God wants him to do. In the Bible, the book of Revelations foretells of a violent, nightmarish ending to humanity, and Robertson believes that Russia’s hostilities in Ukraine will, eventually, lead to a final battle in Israel, culminating in Armageddon.

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This morning, Larry “God” Schumway addressed Robertson’s appearance. Schumway is the CEO and President of Holy Trinity, Inc., a company that publishes Bibles and sells luxury afterlife condos in the Kingdom of Heaven. According to Schumway, Robertson is “speaking out of his puckered, dusty asshole again,” and has no advanced knowledge if, or when, Armageddon will begin.

“I watched Pat on his old show. Holy shit. That’s what I can say right away, holy shit,” Schumway told reporters. “All I see when I look at Patty this weekend is a guy so desperate to be right about a lifetime of promising the End Times were coming, that he’s gleefully cheering on a violent takeover of a sovereign people, which will cost untold scores of people their lives.”

Schumway angrily suggested that if Robertson is so desperate to see violence, bloodshed, and carnage in Ukraine, he should put on a uniform and go fight there, on the side of Putin.

“From my perspective, it seems like Patty and Vlad are on the same team and both of them are extremely interested in mayhem and murder in Ukraine,” God continued. “So, you know what I say? Go for it, Patty! He should just suit up and go fight for Putin if he wants the End Times so badly. I can assure him if he does, at least he’ll see HIS End Times, which is what he’s after anyway, right?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.