WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, the highly-anticipated and much-delayed congressional investigation into the January 6th failed insurrection on behalf of Donald Trump will get underway. The special select committee is tasked with diving into the who, what, where, when, why, and how of the attack on the U.S. capitol during the certification of the 2020 election. However, just as the January 6th Committee is getting started, a handful of House Republicans will be holding their own investigation, announced to day by freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA).
“Y’all, I’m so frickin’ pumped to tell you about the formation of the August 35th Committee to investigate why our forever god king emperor president has yet to be re-throned,” Greene announced during a press conference as she enjoyed some crack cocaine. “It’s time for us to get down to figuring why the liberal commie Democrats aren’t pushing Biden out so we can get our real president back in power!”
Greene stopped short of providing any evidence or even a suggestion of which legal mechanism would or could be used to eject Biden from office and put Trump back into it. Instead, she smoked cracked and laughed at reporters’ questions about whether she thought she was doing damage to American democracy by continuing to spread lies about stolen elections.
“First of off, who said it’s a lie? Just because it ain’t true? Just because it ain’t based in so-called fact, it’s automatically a lie now,” Greene asked rhetorically, still smoking crack. “Second of off, SHUT UP. Boom! OWNED!”
The August 35th Committee is comprised almost completely of members of the Republican caucus. However, there are a handful of members who aren’t even elected officials. One of them spoke at the press conference.
“HI! I’M MIKE LINDELL, OWNER AND CEO OF MYPILLOW AND MYCRACKPIPE,” Mr. Lindell shouted at reporters who were just a few feet away from him. “I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT THIS COMMITTEE WILL MAKE SURE ALL THE EVIDENCE I HAVE — THE STUFF I FABRICATED AND THE OTHER STUFF I’M SURE I WILL DISCOVER SOON — GETS OUR PRESIDENT BACK INTO THE OVAL OFFICE!”
Greene says she chose the August 35th date for the name of her committee because it’s her “deadline” for Biden to give up his presidency willingly.
“One way or another, Sasquatch as told us he’s ready to put Donald Trump back on the throne for good on August 35th,” Greene announced. “So come hell or high water, that’s what’s going down, fam!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.