Greenwald Will Denounce Ukraine Invasion Just as Soon as Putin Says He Can

For several weeks, as U.S. intelligence agencies tried to warn the world that Vlad Putin was preparing to invade Ukraine, super-journalist Glenn Greenwald — who is scientifically proven to be the only correct person on any given subject — downplayed those warnings. Greenwald kept insisting to his millions of Twitter followers that it was alarmist to listen to the warmongering of the intelligence communities, based largely on the theory that nothing could have possibly changed in almost twenty years since the start of the Iraq War.

For some odd, as of yet unexplained reason, however, Russia did invade Ukraine, despite all the attempts Greenwald made to assure the public it wouldn’t happen. As a result of the violence Putin unleashed on Ukraine, hundreds, if not thousands of Ukrainian civilians have been killed, and there is no indication the bloodshed will let up any time soon. Anyone waiting for Greenwald to apologize for being so wrong will probably have to wait quite some time, as this morning he indicated that he still cannot, as of yet, even condemn the invasion.

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“I really wish the American liberal-left media would stop demanding I condemn the invasion of Ukraine, at least until I get permission from Putin to even call it an invasion,” Greenwald tweeted with exasperation this morning. “How can they expect me to condemn something I’m not even sure happened yet, or at the very least I don’t have permission to admit happened? Is this what has become of the vaunted American Left?”

The good news, Greenwald said, is that he expects to hear back from Putin “at some point soon” about how much he’s allowed to condemn, or even acknowledge, and that should clear up a lot of confusion.

“All I need is to have a simple conversation with my employer first, and then I’ll know how the chips stack up. Does everyone really want me to lose my job? Just hold your damn лошади everyone! Some things take time. Sheesh! Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s something 30 years younger than me I can’t wait to get my lips on, and that wine isn’t gonna drink itself!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.