Illinois GOP Censures Abe Lincoln

STONEWALL, ILLINOIS — The Illinois Republican Party has been on a censure-spree lately.

This week, they officially condemned Rep. Adam Kinzinger, himself a Republican from Illinois, over his vote to impeach former President Tiny Hands McGee. Kinzinger is one of the very few elected Republican officials who did not spread McGee’s Big Lie about a stolen election, and he has consistently fought against his fellow Republicans just sweeping the insurrection that McGee fomented and incited on January 6th.

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This morning, the Illinois GOP decided it wasn’t done censuring fellow Republicans.

“It is with great solemnity and commitment to MAGA — ALL HAIL MAGA! — that I announce the censure of former President Abraham Lincoln,” Illinois GOP Vice Deputy Grand Wizard Skip Malloy told reporters via Zoom. “By allowing Grant to sign the Treaty of Appomattox, Lincoln became the first president to openly insult the people who would eventually become the MAGAs. So, basically, he hurt our feelings first, and as everyone knows, we’re the party of big feels and little minds now.”

In addition to censuring Lincoln, Mr. Malloy announced that the Illinois GOP would be censuring a whole slew of Republicans.

“We’re also going to go through our records and weed out any Republicans who rode with the Freedom Riders, or who helped sign black people up to vote in the civil rights era,” Malloy said. “Clearly these people were traitors to beauty and splendor that is white nationalism, which is what the GOP stands for now that we’ve given over completely to the cult of Tiny Hands McGee! ALL HAIL MAGA!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.