Now that his trial has been concluded, and he has been set free, double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse joins a pantheon of people who, according to tedious things like “facts and evidence,” murdered one or more people, or perpetrated a slew of sexual assaults on unsuspecting women, but who also, according to the U.S. Justice System, didn’t do anything wrong.
This begs the question, though, where does Rittenhouse slot in with that particular cadre of kill-happy and rapey Americans? As ever, this outlet endeavored to ask the tough questions, and we will leave it to you, our readers, to let us know the answer. In the end, one has to wonder, among OJ Simpson, Bill Cosby, George Zimmerman, and Rittenhouse — who is the most innocent?
OJ Simpson, Acquitted Double Murderer, Convicted Felon, Football Catchy-Runny Guy
There was a ton of DNA evidence linking Simpson to the scene of the crime, as well as boatloads of circumstantial evidence. After he was acquitted, he even wrote a “fantasy” book literally called “If I Had Done It,” and yet the only thing he served any time for was trying to steal back his own sportsball trinkets. So is OJ Simpson the most innocent of these men?
William Cosby, Alleged Comedian, Convicted Rapist, Released Early on a Technicality, Brought You Into This World, and Can Rape You Right Out of It
In theory, since Cosby is the ONLY one on this list to not murder anybody, does that make him the most innocent? What if we told you he drugged and raped untold numbers of women, and then threatened to end their careers and ruin them financially if they ever snitched, which does not seem very innocent at all. Also, unlike Zimmerman, Simpson, and Rittenhouse, he actually did some time for his most famous crime.
George Zimmerman, Racist Vigilante, Prison Dildo Salesman
He admits he killed a black teenager who was only armed with a large drink can and a bag of Skittles. He admits he had no deputized legal authority to stalk his eventual victim. Since being acquitted, he’s been in multiple rage and gun related incidents. Still, because the U.S. justice system is a laughable farce, he’s a free man. Is Trayvon Martin’s murderer the most innocent?
Kyle Rittenhouse, Recently Acquitted Vigilante, Future Fox News Content Creator
Does murdering two people and severely wounding a third because you waded into a chaotic miasma of human outrage make you an innocent person? According to twelve brain transplant candidates it sure does. Still, is Kyle the most innocent of all these men? You tell us!
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.