Ivanka Opens North Korean Factory to Make Tennis Shoes With Confederate Flags on Them

WASHINGTON, D.C. — First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump announced this afternoon that she has decided to wade back into the fashion industry, signed a deal to open a plant so her new company can manufacture shoes, and will begin selling athletic footwear with confederate flags on them some time later this year.

“While President Daddy and I were in Koreatown, or whatever? We, like, um, signed a deal with Kimmy Uno to build and open a manufacturing plant for my new line of tennis shoes,” Ivanka told reporters and investors today. “They’ll have really cool flags on them too, because we won’t let some uppity ni- I mean, urban football player — stop us from selling them!”

Ms. Trump told everyone she decided to launch the new line of shoes because she “saw a hole in the market” when NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick convinced Nike to drop a line of shoes with the “Betsy Ross” American flag on the heel. 

“Anyone who knows we Trumps knows that we fill every hole we find,” Ivanka said. “Even the ones we find that we’re asked not to fill. We fill those holes. In fact, I’m told that in its original German, Trump actually means, ‘unable to take a hint and fills holes they shouldn’t even know about.'”

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Kaepernick reportedly told Nike executives about the fact that white supremacists have been co-opting the Betsy Ross flag to represent their racist movement. The move has outraged many right-wing pundits and politicians who say the decision wasn’t one made by a private company to protect its own best interests, but instead one that proves how un-American Nike and Kaepernick are.

“Nike might be cucks, but we aren’t! We know this is a slap in the face to every good, clean, ammo hoarding, cross burning, God fearing American,” Ms. Trump declared, “and so we’re not gonna stop with confederate flag shoes! Hell no! We’re going to put out shoes with Robert Lee’s face on them, and even a shoe that just says, ‘Pro-Slavery’ on the back. Because free speech, dummies!”

It’s unclear at this time how much the new Confederate Flag shoes will cost, but Ivanka says that people who buy them can choose to have part of the purchase price donated to their favorite charity.

“Provided, of course, that charity is either the Trump Foundation or President Daddy’s erection campaign,” Ms. Trump said. “Those are the only charities we recognize.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”