Jesus Can’t Figure Out Why American Christians Want to Starve Children They Force Into Life

Speaking to reporters at his weekly press conference, Jesus Hubert Christ was asked for his opinions on a leaked Supreme Court opinion indicating the conservative majority is poised to overturn Roe Vs Wade. Christ reiterated that he, as a general rule, stays out of political affairs, however he did raise some questions he has, personally, about the people celebrating the end of fifty years of abortion rights in America.

“Well, for starters, I really don’t understand why they fight so hard to make sure every pregnancy results in a birth, and then fight so hard to make sure every child born has as little chance to survive as possible,” Jesus said. “Then, there’s this whole thing about them invoking my name, or my dad’s name, when they strip women of their reproductive autonomy. That’s really weird because the Bible doesn’t take a stance on abortion, except when it’s doling out ancient recipes for them, you know, in case your daughter was raped or something.”

Christ also noted some more “curiously inconsistent” things about evangelical Americans’ views on abortion.

“And that gets me thinking about their professed love of small government. It doesn’t seem very small government-y to me to force women into having children they don’t want to have. And it seems super-duper not small government-ish to tell rape victims to suck it up and birth one for the team,” Jesus continued. “Maybe they meant government so small, it can fit a wand up your vagina to show you the clump of cells that is more important than you.”

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In Jesus’s view, there is “more in common between left and right” when it comes to abortion than most realize.

“Most people would like to see the frequency of abortions reduced. It’s just that kind, compassionate, empathetic people want to reduce them out of concern for the mothers and the unwanted children,” Christ insisted, “while the people who rally around my teachings want to end abortion because they have a magical thinking process about procreation and believe they’re entitled to controlling someone else’s vaginal decisions.”

Christ divulged that he wishes people would stop associating with him if they’re going to be anti-abortion.

“There are seven billion people on your planet. Take care of them first. Show me you understand my teachings with those seven billion people first, before you start insisting that women are just on Earth to be birthing cows,” Christ said. “Otherwise, I just wish you’d stop calling yourselves Christian, because nothing you say, do, or think, sounds like anything I’d say, think, or do.”


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.