Doctors Renamed a Vicious Form of Bowel Cancer After a Current Member of Congress

The National Board of Naming Medical Things convened this week and afterward issued its annual report, resulting in one of the world’s most deadly forms of cancer being renamed for a sitting member of congress.

Each year, the NBNMT meets and discusses whether or not anything medical-related should be renamed for the upcoming calendar year. In 1973, they renamed “Trump Crotch” to “syphilis.” Twenty years later, the NBNMT decided that tennis elbow should be renamed “a case of the bendy-hurties.” However, they have since reversed that decision.

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Today, Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, the NBNMT’s Chief Nomenclature Officer, explained on Good Day, America that the most pernicious and deadly form of bowel cancer known to mankind has been renamed. For at least the next 365 days, it will be known instead as “Jim Jordan.”

Hornaydieux explained the NBNMT’s reasoning on the show this morning.

“For many years, doctors have known of the existence of what we called the Zeta Variant of bowel cancer. It’s a form of cancer that just absolutely shreds your butthole, medically speaking, leaving you to just seep toxic, hot, diarrhea everywhere you go, no matter what you do,” Hornaydieux explained. “After some careful deliberation, the NBNMT decided a name change was in order, and henceforth, at least for the next year, the Zeta Variant will be known as Jim Jordan. It’s just so uncanny — bowel cancer and Jim Jordan have the same effect on humans.”

Hornaydieux explained that the “similarities between Jim Jordan and asshole cancer” are so strong, many on his team wondered if the Ohio Republican is a strain of bowel cancer that somehow mutated with a human. Because they couldn’t verify that hypothesis, however, Hornaydieux and his staff decided they could at the very least rename bowel cancer.

“Let’s be honest, shall we? A large portion of the population, when you talk to them about Jim Jordan, just assume you’re talking about a cancer of some for or another,” Hornaydieux said. “Frankly, this is just a good way to introduce some efficiencies into the common vernacular. Now, you can use bowel cancer and Jim Jordan interchangeably, like you did before, except you’ll also sound like a real life doctor — and not even one that had to start his own certification board to become an eye doctor — when you do.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.