WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Jim Jordan (Q-OH) ha made it abundantly clear of late that he is laser-focused on, perhaps, the most deadly serious issue facing Americans today. Not climate change, systemic racism, poverty, xenophobia, or the rising tide of white nationalist domestic terrorism.
“Folks, we have got to get our arms around this cancel culture crapola and end it. It’s so very un-American to go around canceling people for their political beliefs,” Jordan told a gathering of reporters outside a D.C. area eatery. “It’s just as simple as that. We can’t let the cancel culture, super-PC mob keep silencing people if we disagree with them.”
Just as Jordan was finishing his sentence, former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick appeared from around the corner, apparently headed into the same restaurant. Jordan and Kaepernick shared a long moment of recognition. When Kaepernick noticed his shoelace had come undone, he knelt down on the ground to tie it, and Jordan gasped in terror.
“OH MY SWEET JESUS! Does anyone else hear that,” Jordan exclaimed, loudly humming the national anthem in between words, “Yup! That’s the anthem! And this disrespectful, uppity…URBAN is kneeling during it! We have to leave this place.”
So Jordan walked the reporters across the street to a park.
“Now, as I was saying, cancel culture is rotten. Did you hear they’re coming for Dr. Seuss now,” Jordan asked rhetorically. “Call me crazy, but I think it’s the parents’ role to decide which Seuss book, or which KKK pamphlet their kids read. The government should play no role!”
Jordan took the opportunity to reiterate what he and his fellow House Republicans told the media yesterday about the need to get kids back into schools.
“My good friends, if we don’t get the kids back into potential school shooting situations,” Jordan insisted, “our economy could be put in further peril. I was just telling the people at my six thousand dollar-a-plate fundraising dinner the other night that instead of giving the poors more money, we should be forcing them into schools before anyone in their house is vaccinated. It’s the only logical thing to do.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.