Trump Grants Permission to John Barron to Concede to Joe Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, almost three full weeks after losing his re-election bid, President Donald Trump authorized the Government Services Administration to begin the formal process of transitioning power, head of former Vice President Joe Biden taking office in January. Mr. Biden soundly defeated Trump, despite the president’s baseless assertions of rampant voter fraud, evidence for which he has yet to present in any court of law, but up until late yesterday evening, the GSA had been authorized to start the formal process.

In fact, even after tweeting that the GSA could begin the handoff process with the Biden transition team, the outgoing president has still been claiming to have a viable path to victory.

While it remains to be seen just how much steam is left in the Trump campaign’s locomotive, this morning, President Trump surprised the world when he unexpectedly gave someone permission to concede to Biden. While the concession was not on Trump’s behalf, some are wondering if this is yet another step in the outgoing president’s processing of his loss, and if it’s just him passing through another stage of grief. At any rate, Trump announced his decision from the White House balcony, shouting down at reporters as he did so.

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“This morning I contacted John Barron and gave HIM permission to concede to Sleepy Go Geepy Sto Steepy,” Trump howled, “and that is literally the only concession Biden will ever get about this election, so he better be fuckin’ okay with it, everyone! And I want to reiterate, this is going to be JOHN BARRON conceding, NOT ME!”

In addition to giving his permission to John Barron to concede, Trump also gave permission to some other “top level guys,” as he put it.

“I also hereby give permission to the President of Puerto Rico and that extremely good looking fella I see in the bathroom mirror every morning to conceded to Po Peepy,” Trump declared, “and maybe another couple if I think of it. But I am never going to concede. EVER. They could be dragging me out of the White House and I would still say I’m president so suck it, America! Suck it so hard I call you Ivanka!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.