Judge: Prosecutors Can Only Call Rittenhouse a ‘Sweet White Boy Who Went Pew-Pew on Accident’

The judge presiding over the trial of accused murderous white nationalist vigilante Kyle Rittenhouse stunned prosecutors and millions of people on social media yesterday.

During a hearing, the judge asserted that the people Rittenhouse killed during a riot last year could not be referred to as “victims.” Instead, the judge told prosecutors they can refer to the people Rittenhouse shot dead as “looters” and “arsonists.” The riot at which Rittenhouse drove across state lines from Illinois in order to take the law into his own hands started as a protest of police brutality and excessive force.

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This morning, the same judge issued another edict — this time, about how Rittenhouse himself is to be referred by the lawyers trying his case.

“In this court, you will not refer to the accused as anything other than his first or last name, or barring that, you can call him a sweet white boy went pew-pew on accident,” the judge admonished prosecutors.

“I will declare a mistrial and recommend you for disbarment if you refer to him as an accused murderer, or really literally anything else. Don’t figgity-fuck with me on this, okay fam? This kid is white, for chrissakes! He should probably not even have been arrested, much less tried for murder! I’m sorry, but is this not America anymore? Don’t we give kids medals of honor for extrajudicial homicides in this country any longer?”

The judge also seemed to indicate he’s not done laying down the rules for how he will conduct the trial.

“Don’t be surprised if I tell you that the state’s attorneys must high-five and give a hug to the sweet white boy who accidentally went pew-pew in front of the jurors each morning before the trial begins,” the judge warned.

“The rule of law means nothing if we don’t let white kids kill people with impunity the same way we let cops do it. I will not be a party to setting up a two-tiered systemically racist system of justice, and I will toss anybody out of this court who tried to force me to do just that! I will not have you framing murder as a crime in my courthouse!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.