WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) was beside himself with giddiness. There, in his hands was a copy of an email that had been forwarded to him by Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) who had gotten the information third hand from Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) who had received what he is now calling “intelligence data relayed by way of a former, highly-placed intelligence agency professional from the administration’s opposing political party but miraculously with absolutely no ax to grind or personal agenda whatsoever in an internet chat forum” that indicated something big was going to happen. Just what was going to happen, and the timing of it all was all at once infuriating and extremely gratifying for Gowdy to be reading, he would later tell the press.
“Up to this point, I thought my Benghazi hearings were the most important thing happening in Washington,” Gowdy told reporters at a press conference this week. A large graphic of President Barack H. Obama with clip art images of a Koran, a hammer and sickle, Adolf Hitler’s mustache, and Saul Alinsky’s ghost hovering around his head, with a series of multi-colored question marks blanketing the image as well. “Now, though, as I stand before you with this explosive information provided to my esteemed friend — the always trustworthy, never self-aggrandizing, self-serving or self-fellating Senator Cruz — and I know that this is the stuff I’ve been dreaming of finding investigating Hillmailghazigate!”
Over the next five minutes, Gowdy explained that the information he was about to divulge was obtained from what Cruz told him was “an internet chat forum full of patriots that are very trustworthy and heterosexual to boot” but that he reserved the right to completely ignore the fact that he “ever bought into that crazy fringe theory bullshit.” Then Gowdy began reading the email at the center of this latest scandal to the press.
“This letter is dated January 21st, 2009, for the record,” Gowdy began.
The plan is fully prepared. We are now ready to instigate Operation Troll the Tighty-Whities. All our operatives are in place, and every detail has been put in order. They will of course all be shocked to find out they were right all along. POTUS is a communist. POTUS is actually Kenyan national, and he is indeed trying to usurp power, destroy the Constitution, take away all their guns, and declare at least sixteen martial and/or “Marshall” depending on your particular grasp of the English language and which media outlet you watch, and that he personally ordered the Benghazi attacks to help himself win the 2012 election, with the full complicity of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton…which of course this being 2009 will not happen for another 3 years. But we predict that Obama will be up against a rich, white android for the White House at the time.
Oh, and we’ll go ahead and skew some polls and have dead people vote again. We’ll use our friends at ACORN, naturally.
So the plan is to get POTUS through two full terms, constantly ducking and dodging the people with the knowledge who are asking the right questions…we’ll call them conspiracy theorists. Oh, on that note, we are confirmed that the Jade Helm stuff can go down in his second term, just outside Texas. That oughtta rattle some cages! Once he has successfully completed the two terms, in which Obama will have fundamentally changed the United States forever and ever into a Communist Sharia State, he will release his real, long-form birth certificate, signed by the Kenyan prime minister personally — he was at Obama’s birth since it was a big deal, the anti-Christ being born and all.
Then, once the birth certificate has been released to the media, the real takeover can begin. We will use Obama’s enormous influence with the takers. He has given them so much free stuff they will listen to his command to rise-up. We will go door-to-door asking for all the heterosexual couples to come with us. There, they will be forced into gay marriages. All pregnant women will get abortions personally performed by POTUS on live TV.
It will be a glorious day in the name of Lords Saul Alinsky and George Soros!
All of this will of course happen on January 21st, 2017. Exactly eight years from today. No one will be expecting it. The next election will have taken place, and hopefully our secret plan to install Hillary next will just according to plan as well. She will step aside, claiming that the Constitution gives her Supreme Universal Powers and she will give the crown back to POTUS. Then the forced abortions and gay marriages can continue forever and ever until the Soviets come back. Oh, that’s all part of this plan too, to revitalize the Soviet Union, obviously.
Okay, so let us know if there are any details we missed.
Gowdy finished reading the letter. “We don’t know who wrote this letter. But obviously we are all very alarmed! We were right. All along. We knew we were, we just didn’t know exactly why. Very honestly, some of us were just kinda playing along because we were bored. But clearly this is all coming to fruition and this is not a prank played on us by people who wanted to make us look like the paranoid, nattering buffoons we are. We will get to the bottom of this, or my name isn’t Cornelius Stonewall Trey Gowdy III!”