COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — On the latest edition of his podcast, right-wing YouTube star and alt-right country music sensation Jethro Bohiggins said that he is “sick and goddamned tired” of President Trump’s “white America First agenda” being overshadowed in Washington by all the investigations being led by House Democrats.
“You know what my libtarded friend Darryl asked me the other day? Now, I know that some of y’all might think it’s crazy I’d have a libtard friend, but fam,” Jethro explained, “you gotta have at least one libtard friend in your life, so you can practice owning libtards on ’em with your rock solid small government logic!”
Bohiggins paused to spit out some tobacco juice into a 7/11 Friggin’ Enormo-Gulp bucket.
“Ain’t no way I’d be able to explain to libtards on the Internet why all taxes are theft and black people are just genetically predisposed to crime and poverty and single parents even though white families break up just as much and shit,” Bohiggins said. “See? Rock solid logic. Small government pussy patrols to make sure no ‘bortions happen. See? Rock. Solid. Conservative. Logic.”
Jethro took a burrito from a local taco shop that just opened down the street from his house out of a bag. He took a big bite and smiled, giving a thumbs-up to the camera recording the podcast. He told his audience “really, really love[s] Mexican food,” which surprised him.
“I figured I’d hate everything havin’ to do with Mexico until they paid for the wall like President Trump told they had to,” Bohiggins explained. “But I don’t hate me a boo-rit-o or some gwackymoley, fam. It’s damn good stuff. But you know, that reminds me as I was sayin, Libtard Darryl asked me if I’d read the Mueller Report the other day.”
“I told him hell no I haven’t, hell no I won’t, and hell no I don’t care if he tells me what’s in it,” Bohiggins said. “This was a fully exonerating witch hunt by a lifelong Republican law enforcement agent appointed by a Republican president which means it was clearly a Democrat witch hunt. And just like a real witch hunt, Mueller caught him some witches, but none of worked for Trump that long, so did that really have to do with him? Also, NO COLLUSION, DARRYL, AND NOT UP TO LEGAL STANDARD OF EVIDENCE OF INTENT TO COMMIT OBSTRUCTION, THOUGH KINDA HE REALLY DID AND SO CONGRESS COULD PROLLY IMPEACH DARRYL! DUH!”
Bohiggins was mad. He spit again, sending the whole wad of tobacco in his mouth into the bucket this time. Jethro took another bite of his burrito, exhaling as he chewed and swallowed as if a weight were lifting off his shoulders.
“Ah, that boo-rit-o is so good it transports me to a place where I am warm, and held close, and sung to, as if my cousin had never walked in on me and my sister on our wedding night,” Bohiggins said. “Though, to be honest why my cousin was breaking into our Honeymoon Double-Wide is something she never did explain to me, even after I got caught up on back child support.”
Jethro ate some more of his burrito.
“Point is, fam, that Darryl the Libtard is like so many of his libtarded brethren,” Bohiggins said after finishing a little more of his burrito. “He’s so focused on all the so-called crimes and lawlessness that’s very well-documented in the Mueller Report and how to hold Trump accountable that he’s not seeing how important Trump’s white America First agenda is. The Democrats in Congress are hangin’ onto Mueller like a life raft, and they already drownin’! Meanwhile, at least sixteen trillion illegal Mexican-y looking people are crossing the border every day! Why would Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity lie to us about those numbers?!”
Bohiggins took yet another bite of his extremely delicious burrito.
“Damn, this boo-ritt-o is extremely delicious! What was I saying,” Bohiggins asked to no one in particular, “Oh right! I’m sick and tired of immigrants comin’ in and takin’ our jobs! I am quite sure I would have a six-figure, highly technical, very important job right now if only I had a degree, the qualifications, and some Mexican-ish person wasn’t standin’ illegally in line in front of me, fam!”
Finishing his burrito, Jethro opened a Corona beer and took a big, long swig. He wiped his mouth with an American flag napkin he’d bought at the K-Mart in town just last week. Then, Bohiggins finished his thoughts on the matter.
“Look, I like the idea of a meltin’ pot, sure. You put some nacho cheese in that melting pot and I’ll dip my chips and eat them right the fuck up,” Bohiggins began, “but I want to make sure that it’s mostly good, clean, all white American cheese in the pot, first and foremost. And the bottom line is that my family didn’t here from Europe to let no immigrants in so they could come and take my fondue set! Wait? What the hell was I saying?! Ah, forget it folks, it’s time for a commercial break anyhow. Here’s a word from Ricci’s Italian Restaurant, the shittiest restaurant in town, but the only one that will sponsor my show.”