Marco Rubio Will Condemn January 6th as Soon as the Armed Trump Supporter Says He Can

Senator Marco Rubio believes that the events of January 6th are shameful, violent, and deserve to be condemned in the strongest terms possible, which he fully intends to say out loud. Just as soon as the man in a MAGA hat stops pointing the business end of his semi-automatic rifle at him.

“As soon as this nice, young, unwashed, melanin-free, inbred fellow takes his gun barrel off my hip, I will explain to you exactly what I think about the events of January 6th, 2021,” Rubio told eyewitnesses nervously, while eying the man’s gun repeatedly. “Which, um, you know, was just a regular tourist visit and routine political discourse.”

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Rubio had been speaking to reporters outside a D.C. area restaurant, where he was spotted entering with lobbyists carrying the air pump and cash used to re-inflate Rubio’s gelatinous, spineless body. The Florida Republican was asked for thoughts on the January 6th Committee having evidence former President Trump might have violated the Presidential Records Act and shredded thousands of documents.

Rubio had just gotten done shrugging when an armed group of Trump supporters showed up  and immediately began hovering around the senator.

“Whenever this lovely man here decides to stop threatening my life, I will be very honest and upfront with you about my feelings on the events of that day,” Rubio said, once more feeling the man dig the gun into his side. “Uhhhhh which were all completely fine and good, and should probably be taught to kids in elementary school right after the Boston Tea Party.”

At that point, someone nearby started playing a banjo and telling racist jokes, which is the mating call of the MAGA in its natural habitat. This caused just enough of a distraction, pulling the armed Trump supporters’ attention away from Rubio, who heaved a heavy, visible sigh of relief.

“Oh thank God, I never thought he’d leave. Anyway, that day was terrible, the people who did it are terrible, and they should all be punished for being – ” Rubio cut himself off short, noticing that the armed man was back. “…um, for being, umm, TOO patriotic and TOO good a citizen. They should be arrested for loving America so much. HEE HEE! What a great joke I just told, huh?”

Rubio then used sign language to say, “Help me, please!” Nobody felt compelled to help him.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.