Martian Hopes Musk Buys Twitter and It Keeps ‘That Billionaire Cretin’ Far Away From His Planet

Meepzorp is a resident of the Planet of Mars and recently told our outlet during an interstellar Skype session that they largely stay out of the affairs of earthlings. In general, they told us, Meepzorp doesn’t feel it’s their place to have an opinion on things that don’t directly impact Martian life. However, starting last week, Meepzorp says they have had no other choice than to have taken a considerable interest in one Earth story specifically.

“Most of the time, I don’t really care what happens on Earth, or any other planet other than Mars. But when I heard that billionaire cretin Elon Musk was trying to buy Twitter, and was already showing signs of how much it means to his bloated, fragile ego to get everything his little blood diamond encrusted heart wants, well, I took an interest,” Meepzorp told us. “I mean, that weirdo has been trying to get his sociopathic paws on our red soil for a long time now, and most Martians were dreading the day someone representing Musk’s values landed on our planet.”

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Meepzorp is hopeful that the pursuit of Twitter takes up so much of Musk’s time, he’s unable to focus his energies on his Martian colonization.

“A lot of us were really kind of worried about a guy whose parents got rich on the back of white colonizers raping natural African resources while directly benefiting from apartheid and didn’t want to end up working in a Musk Martian Diamond Mine. So, if he can be distracted long enough for us to pack up and get off world before he and his ilk arrive, that’s good to us.”

If Musk succeeds in buying Twitter, and it doesn’t distract him enough from Mars, Meepzorp says the Martian Congressional Delegation Authority Board has voted unanimously to take drastic steps, but ones that they feel are necessary, to, as Meepzorp put it, “keep that slime ball’s mitts off our Little Red Jewel in the solar system.”

“We’ll just get in our hyperpods and jump to a new solar system with a hospitable planet before Musk gets here, and we’ll set Mars to self-destruct before we leave. We’ve always loved Star Trek III around these parts.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.