Matt Gaetz Pledges to Slur, Stammer, and Drunkenly Stand Behind Trump on January 6th

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On January 6th, 2021, Congress will meet to do one of the very last things required to transfer power to a new, incoming president and will certify the Electoral College results. Those results will show that former Vice President Joe Biden defeated current outgoing lame duck permanently impeached President Donald Trump by a slightly higher margin than Trump defeated Hillary Clinton with in 2016. The final vote total will show Biden with 306 Electoral College votes to Trump’s 232.

However, members of the Republican caucus in the House are starting to show signs they intend to throw one more Hail Mary pass in an attempt to throw out millions of legally cast ballots, and instead simply declare Trump the winner. The Constitution does allow members of both chambers, if they agree, to throw out electors from states whose results are in question, however it’s clear that any such effort would fail this time around because the House is controlled by the Democrats, while the Senate belongs to the Republicans.

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Last week, Senator-elect Tommy Tuberville announced that he would join with any Republicans in the House in challenging the Electoral College’s results. It would appear that Tuberville can count on a Republican congressman from Florida to go in with him on his gambit. This morning, a visibly drunk Rep. Matt Gaetz told reporters he plans to “weave and slur” and ensure President Trump continues onto a second term, despite actually losing last month’s election.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen up you fucks, you hear me?! HEY,” Gaetz shouted even though he was just inches from microphones and reporters’ faces, “THIS THING AIN’T OVER! The South shall rise again! Trump shall get a second, and third term! Grass shall be blue! Water shall be dry as fuck! DO YOU HEAR ME, AMERICA?! YOU CANNOT JUSS’ FUCCCCKKKKKINNNN’ VOTE FORWHOOOOEVER YOU WANT ANYMORE! THAT’S NOT HOW MAGA WORKS!”

Earlier in the morning, Gaetz announced via tweet that he would object to electors from states he feels cheated Trump out of a win.

When asked how he defines the word “cheat,” Gaetz indicated that he might have a slightly different definition than most.

“To me, it’sssssssss verrry simple, okay,” Gaetz slurred, pulling his flask out from his front breast pocket. “If you’re a guh-damnnnnnnnnnn Demon-crat, you can’t win unless you cheat. Period. Literrrrallly it’sss ‘mpossible to do it without cheating if you’re a Demon-crat! BOOM! EVIDENCE PRESENTED! CHECKMARK, LIBTARDS!”

Gaetz face planted, and fell asleep, snoring loudly as as reporters walked away from him.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

By James Schlarmann

Amateur burrito wrangler. Winner of zero lifetime achievement awards.

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