WASHINGTON, D.C. — If one were to scour the Constitution of the United States of America after listening to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) speak, one might expect to find something called the “Garland Rule.”
Back in 2016, when Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia left this mortal coil to pass bigoted, antiquated judgments from his seat in Hell, McConnell insisted that Merrick Garland, the man former President Barack Obama nominated to succeed Scalia, should not even get a hearing, because Scalia had died in an election year. However, that “Garland Rule” doesn’t exist, and never did exist, and in fact the Constitution makes no note of any election year exceptions.
Which is precisely why Sen. McConnell likely felt no pressure to abide by that non-existent rule when Ruth Bader Ginsburg died last year. Completely ignoring his own made-up rule, McConnell and Senate Republicans rushed Justice Amy Covid Barrett onto the bench, and into Ginsburg’s seat just barely a month after she was laid to rest. Sen. McConnell is famous on the Hill for his ability and willingness to wield power when he has it, regardless of Senate rules or norms.
Today, McConnell blasted Democrats in the Senate who are now openly discussing major changes to the filibuster, which forces many votes taken to clear a 60-vote threshold for passage. During Barack Obama’s eight years in office, and while his party was in the minority back then as well, McConnell bludgeoned Obama’s agenda with the filibuster, killing several attempts to quicken the pace of the economic recovery from the Great Recession.
McConnell, during his own tenure as Senate Majority Leader, also ended the filibuster for most votes, allowing him to cram dozens of extremely conservative justices onto federal benches all over the judiciary. But speaking to reporters today, McConnell called Democrat discussions to end or greatly change the filibuster to make it harder for the minority to stall the majority, “outrageous and unfair.”
“The least they could do is make up rules like I did, instead of trying to legitimately change them! How dare they use power like I would use it? How dare they unabashedly and without any remorse act as if they have power to do so, exactly as I would have done and have done my entire career,” McConnell asked rhetorically as he held a press conference at the outset of the legislative day. “Just because I would do something, that doesn’t give them a right!”
McConnell was asked by a reporter if he was being a “bit hypocritical.”
“Hell no! I’m not being a bit hypocritical,” McConnell shouted. “I am being extremely hypocritical. Performative outrage to cover-up rank hypocrisy has been a core Republican value since the late 1960’s and I intend to keep it that way.”
Wiping away tears with a coal stained handkerchief, McConnell sauntered off, telling reporters he was too sad and angry to continue the press conference.
If you want my satire completely ad-free, just sign up for my Patreon at any level.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.