McConnell Blasts Dems for Expanding Supreme Court Instead of ‘Stealing Seats Like Patriots’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, the House Democrats introduced legislation that, if passed through the Senate and signed by President Joe Biden, would expand the Supreme Court from nine to thirteen justices.

The number of justices has varied at several points in time, and the Constitution does not mandate a certain number of judges be on the bench. However, Republicans have been blasting the proposal as overreach, tyranny, and some like Qongresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado even called it “terrorism.”

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Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel (Q-KY) joined the fray this morning when he lambasted the Democratic effort to add four justices from the Senate floor.

“If my friends on the other side of the aisle want to rip control of the Supreme Court away from the statistical and electoral minority, then they should do it the way good, clean, melanin-free, ammo hoarding people of this country have done things since we took the natives’ land, and steal the seats,” McConnell said, wiping tears of rage from his eyes. “But to expand the court through legislation instead of stealing seats like patriots shows that the far left has taken control of the Democrat Party, and that makes me want to rub a piece of coal on my junk and have a really big cry.”

Sen. McConnell asked incredulously what Democrats think “gives them permission to wield constitutional authority like Republicans do.”

“We called dibs on actually using power. Now, Sen. Schumer and his friends want us to believe that the Supreme Court should represent the values of the majority of the electorate, which is very dangerous to those of us who cling to power,” McConnell warned. “What’s next, telling us we shouldn’t carve up the weirdest looking districts possible to keep our dwindling party in power in the House? What kind of country do the Democrats think they live in?”

McConnell offered up some “free advice” to Democrats looking to get Republicans on board with their plans.

“You want to gain power in the court? Fine. Do it the right way,” McConnell insisted. “Make up your own rules when you’re in the minority and can hold up nominees, then steal the seats when you reclaim the White House. Maybe I’m hurting my own side by letting you in on our game, but damn it, we need to return to regular order at some point!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.