McConnell Warns Democrats Not to Change the Filibuster Like He Changed the Filibuster

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In order to push Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch onto the high court’s bench, then Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) personally spearheaded the charge.  McConnell convinced his fellow Republicans to make a rule change, bypassing the filibuster.

However, talks of Democrats doing essentially the same thing in order to pass voting rights legislation would be “literally the worst action ever perpetrated on the Senate floor,” McConnell said in remarks to reporters this morning.

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“Changing the filibuster is a dangerous thing. It sets a very dangerous precedent. It’s extremely radical, you see,” McConnell explained. “Which is why I only trust we Republicans to do it. I must warn my Democrat colleagues on the other side of the aisle that if they change the filibuster, there’s no telling what I’ll do in response and then criticize them for doing as well.”

Sen. McConnell warned Democrats that if they alter the filibuster rules for voting rights, and if Republicans take control of the Senate this fall, he will punish them by “doing nakedly political things in retaliation.”

“So, in other words, I’ll behave the same way I behaved when we were in the majority before,” McConnell said solemnly, rubbing some coal on his penis as he spoke. “If they’re not careful, they’ll end up forcing me to do something I was already planning to do anyway.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.