MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — The Federal Government of Mexico has stepped-in and offered to foot the entire cost of a Special Olympics team that would represent the United States of America.
“Yesterday, the People of Mexico were horrified to learn that the economic status of the United States of American Oligarchy is so dire that in order to pay for the tax cuts they gave their plutocratic overlords, and for the wall on our northern border, that they have decided to cut funding for their Special Olympics team,” Mexico writes in a letter sent to Congress.
“There are very few events in our world that are as truly non-partisan, and genuinely heart warming as the Special Olympics, and it breaks our hearts to learn that the U.S. cannot afford to shower the rich with riches and field a team of amazingly courageous athletes.”
Mexico’s letter emphatically reiterates that they will not pay for “any portion, brick, or single rivet” in “Trump’s monument to white nationalism.” However, it says “with no equivocation or strings attached” that the people of Mexico would “consider it the honor of a lifetime to bail out our loud, cheeseburger loving friends to the North.”
“Even more than the traditional Olympic games, the Special Olympics truly represent what is most worthy of honor and celebration among human kind,” Mexico’s letter says. “While we don’t understand how a group of people who claim to be ‘pro-life’ could be in favor of hurting the quality of life of those who need the most protection, we know in times of great crisis, we must set aside our judgments of one another’s complete amorality and craven worship of the almighty dollar to help our neighbors.”
Any medals won by the Mexican-sponsored U.S. Special Olympics team would be kept by the athletes, Mexico said.
“We’re not the Trump Organization. We don’t steal from vulnerable kids,” the letter states.
There is one “very small proviso” that the government of Mexico insists on, if they are to foot the bill for the U.S. Special Olympics team.
“The president’s grown children will have to try out for the team like everyone else,” Mexico warned. “No one gets a free pass, no matter how much they’re used to it. Plus, there’s a good chance none of the other athletes are lifelong, tax dodging, white collar criminals, which is if anything else a pretty good bonus.”
The White House has not responded to Mexico’s letter as of yet. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s office said the senior Republican was “too busy being raisin pouch deep in a lump of Kentucky’s finest coal” to answer the letter right away, but would do so as soon as he could. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters she’d check in with Corporate HQ before making any statements that might lead someone to believe her party would be anything more than slightly less incapable than the other side.
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.