In Potential Fight Between Putin and Musk, Most Rooting for Simultaneous Spontaneous Combustion

This week, billionaire and terminally online Twitter troll Elon Musk challenged Russian autocrat Vlad Putin to “single combat” in a tweet. Though absolutely nobody asked him to, Musk challenged Putin to the fight, claiming he wanted the “stakes” to be control of Ukraine.

Needless to say, Musk’s tweet went viral. However, if the Tesla and SpaceX CEO was thinking that he’d be the people’s champ, and would enjoy widespread support for his endeavor, he was only partially correct. A newly released poll conducted by Sporting Stuff Magazine shows that while 85% of respondents wanted to see Putin and Musk fight each other, a similar number of people were not rooting for Musk to win.

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Then again, they weren’t hoping that Putin would win the hypothetical grudge match, either.

“We found an interesting correlation in the data. It seems that everyone who said they are hoping the fight happens are also hoping that both men burst into flames at the same time,” Dr. Henry Henderson, who helped conduct the poll, told reporters today. “Spontaneous, simultaneous combustion doesn’t show up often in our polling results, but it’s undeniably in this poll’s response data.”

Apparently, simultaneous spontaneous combustion wasn’t even a standard response to the question, “Who would you like to see win?”

“But we did give everyone a chance to write-in in their own answers, so that’s why it showed up in our responses. However,” Henderson said, “there’s no way we could have predicted this kind of thing. Usually if you ask 1500 people for an open-ended response, you get hundreds of different answers. It seems like everyone is pretty sure that if these two soulless fucks fight, the best outcome is for both of them to blow up.”

Elon Musk released a statement calling Dr. Henderson, and everyone who took the poll, “paedos.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.