Devin Nunes: “It’s Time to Impeach The Media”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA), the ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee, told reporters just before today’s impeachment hearing began that he was planning to “put the real enemies of the people in the spotlight” today. Just minutes later, Nunes was giving his opening statement, and it became readily apparent just what he’d meant.

For much of his opening statement, Nunes lambasted the press. He read several headlines from various mainstream media outlets from stories that were published during the Robert Mueller investigation. Time after time, Nunes either inferred, implied, or directly accused the press of spreading conspiracy theories and lies on behalf of the Democratic Party. Though he offered no actual evidence of his theory, beyond his own accusations, Nunes nevertheless made it abundantly clear that he was far more concerned with highlighting media reports that he felt were inaccurate than he was with President Trump’s potential wanton abuse of power.

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“It’s time to impeach the media, frankly, and I’m a little upset at James Madison for starting a deep state coup against our dear president without giving us the ability to impeach them,” Nunes told reporters during a break in the hearing. “We’ve got a plan for that though. You can change any document with a little White Out and a pen, right?”

The Constitution of the United States of America, in its First Amendment, guarantees that Congress will “make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” While many presidential administrations have bristled at the coverage of their administrations’ activities, however few have attacked with such regularity and severity the institutions of the press as Trump. Many have drawn numerous parallels between Trump and former President Richard Nixon, who also railed against the media as pressure on his administration grew during the impeachment investigation against him.

While Nixon was never formally impeached — he resigned after the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that he had to turn over the infamous “Nixon Tapes” — it’s unclear at this time if Trump will see articles of impeachment against him passed out of the House Intelligence Committee. Nevertheless, Nunes and his fellow Republicans on the committee and in the House have routinely assailed the process under which Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) has run the proceedings. They have frequently complained that Schiff held closed-door depositions before beginning the current.

Nunes brought up that subject to reporters during the same break.

“Why come now we’re doing these things in public? Shouldn’t something like this be handled behind closed doors, so we don’t frighten our Dear President,” Nunes asked rhetorically. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s clearly the healthiest, most robust and manly man this country has ever had as its Commander in Chief, but he’s still a man in his seventies, and we all swore an oath to defend his ego, did we not? No? I was the only one who…oh, I see, then.”

Reached for comment, President Trump said he was “bigly pleased with Devin’s performance” today. Though, the president did mention he had some initial concerns about what he’d hear coming out of Nunes mouth today, when he pondered what might happen during the hearing last night on the toilet during his routine “evening executive time.”

“Honestly I was worried that I wouldn’t hear good stuff coming out of Devin’s pie hole this morning,” Trump shouted at reporters on the White House lawn. “Not because I think he’d be disloyal to me, his Constitutional God Emperor King, though. Because I wasn’t sure if anyone could understand the words he was saying unless he took my totally normal sized, shaped, and smelling phallus out first.”

If impeached, Mr. Trump would become just the third such man to hold the highest office in America who was also tainted with such a stain on his legacy. The last time a president was impeached was when President Bill Clinton faced impeachment for, largely, lying about a personal sexual relationship with an intern. Congressman Gym Jordan told reporters those lies were “much more differenter” than the ones Trump is accused of telling.

“You see, we were accusing Clinton of fucking around with someone else and lying about it, and Trump’s being accused of lying about trying to fuck this country,” Jordan said with exasperation in his voice, “and that’s his ABSOLUTE RIGHT! The Constitution says, somewhere, I think, prolly, that he’s allowed to do whatever he wants! So why are we here? You’ll have to ask Adam Schiff, who apparently thinks the Constitution says he can hold Trump accountable for some reason.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.