Barack Obama Explains Why No Congressional Investigation Found Evidence He Tried a Coup

Shocking almost no one on Planet Not a Fuckwit, the January 6th Congressional Committee announced  that it has “good faith evidence” former one term, twice permanently impeached President Don Trump violated numerous laws and participated in a criminal conspiracy that amounted to a coup attempt. That the coup failed as so many of Trump’s endeavors do may or may not become germane, but the fact that his coup attempt has been confirmed by a congressional committee opens the conversation up to a more historical perspective.

America is a country that likes its traditions. Fireworks. Apple pie. The Second Amendment. Codified bigotry against every immigrant class of the current generation. The State of the Union Address. The Super Bowl Halftime Show triggering angry social conservatives. The list of American traditions is quite long.

So, surely there must be an American tradition of presidents trying to illegally stay in power after they lose an election. In fact, surely the man who Republicans accused of being the most corrupt president since the last Democratic president they accused of the same thing, Barack Obama, must surely have been caught red handed trying his own coup.

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Extensive research, however, shows that not to be the case. In fact, Obama himself gave an interview recently in which he discussed this very topic, and explained why heretofore nobody has uncovered any evidence he tried to stay in power unconstitutionally.

During a new interview appearing in Socialist Sharia Weekly, former President Obama explained why there have been no congressional investigations that turned up evidence he planned and carried out a coup attempt.

“That’s an interesting subject, and given the current times, a very prescient question. It’s one I’ve actually given quite a bit of reflection, and I think I know why nobody ever found evidence of my coup attempts,” Obama said in the interview. “For starters, I never actually lost an election — popular vote or Electoral College style, so really it never would have been necessary for me to say in office.”

Obama eventually came around to an idea about why he’d never been caught trying a coup.

“But, if I’m not mistaken, it’s because I never attempted a coup, never thought of attempting a coup, and would laugh my fucking balls off if someone on my team suggested one, shortly before firing them and referring them to the FBI for criminal investigation. But, admittedly, that might just be a guess on my part.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.