COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins has already fought off two COVID-19 infections, but as he told his audience this weekend, he has “absolutely zero plans” to take one of the three currently approved vaccines that would astronomically reduce the chances he got it a third time.
“Maybe if Biden had stood in front of the country, gotten down on one knee, and praised our Forever King God Emperor President Trump for the vaccine and Operation Warp Speed,” Bohiggins said during a podcast episode published a couple months back, “I’d have gotten a vaccine for the Chinese Democrat Hoax Virus. But since they all treated him so rudely, and didn’t let him have an insurrection, I probably ain’t never gonna get it.”
This weekend, though, Bohiggins hedged, ever so slightly. He announced to his followers that there was a “half-and-half chance” that he could end up getting a COVID-19 vaccine after all. However, he won’t make that decision until he’s finished getting an “experimental, alternative vaccine” first.
“I’m takin’ Forever President Trump’s advice and having some UV rays funneled up into my cornhole,” Bohiggins explained. “I figure, if Trump said we can kill COVID with sunlight up our butts, sunlight must be good enough to use for a vaccine. I think it must, like, blind the COVIDs in your body, or whatever.”
The technology to safely direct UV light from the sun into someone’s rectum has not yet been patented, so Jethro was forced to come up with something on his own.
“I cut a hole in the roof and ceiling of my double-wide, ran a series of toilet paper tubes that I had duct taped together down into it,” Jethro said while describing his invention, “and attached all the tubes to a funnel using some more duct tape. I was worried about getting enough sunlight into my butthole, so I put a magnifying glass up on the roof, over the opening I cut, you know, to make the sun bigger. I think I’ll like the results quite nicely.”
If for some reason piping fresh sunlight into his colon doesn’t protect him from a third COVID-19 infection, then Bohiggins says he’s probably going to get a vaccine.
“What could it possibly hurt to try my alternative vaccine first,” Bohiggins asked rhetorically before signing off.
UPDATE: Jethro Bohiggins has passed away from complications arising from his third bout with COVID-19. He is survived by his wife and cousin, Susan Bohiggins.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.