MOSES HILLS, INDIANA — Speaking before a packed, maskless congregation at a prayer breakfast hosted by a church in his home state, former Vice President Mike Pence hinted that he may run for president himself in 2024. However, what will likely garner more attention from his speech, will be his remarks on his relationship with his former boss, who he’d have to more than likely defeat in a primary for his party’s nomination, that will turn the most heads and raise the most eyebrows.
“A lot of people have asked me,” Pence explained to the churchgoers, “‘Father Pence,’ they ask me, ‘How will your relationship with King God Emperor Donaldus Q. Johnathan Trump survive, if you challenge his rightful, divinely seat on his throne?'”
Pence chuckled to himself.
“That’s a good question to ask. I understand it. After all,” Pence continued, “he was so angry that I couldn’t find a way to help his coup succeed that he sic’d his angry mob on me. They changed ‘Hang Mike Pence,’ and while I have been told by some very fine gentlemen around this nation’s wonderful rest stops that I am quite well hung, it was still shocking for me and my family that day.”
Ultimately, though, Pence says it’s his faith and “knowledge of the same scriptures King Trump pretends to have read” that have helped him and the former, one term, twice permanently impeached president mend fences.
“Regardless of what he decides for me, I know that his Royal Tiny Handedness and I will be okay,” Pence promised. “Some may ask why I’d choose to forgive him, but I found my guidance, as always, in scripture. Jesus said to spread the other cheek, and so that’s exactly what I’m going to do for him. Again. I’m already quite used to it, really.”
Jesus Hubert Christ could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.