WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just moments ago, President Donald J. Trump accused James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, and the other 37 signatories of the Constitution of the United States, of being “Never Trumpers.” The president further insinuated that when the Constitution was signed over 200 years ago, that those putting their name to it were “part of a vicious cabal” that “began an unfair witch hunt and coup” against him.
“They were Never Trumpers, obviously, all of them,” Trump yelled at reporters on the lawn of the White House. “The only people who want me impeached are Never Trumpers! And so anyone who literally invented impeachment must be a Never Trumper!”
Trump had been asked by the press pool why he keeps referring to the impeachment efforts against him in the House as a “witch hunt” and a “coup.” The impeachment process is written into the actual foundational document that formed the country, and is meant to hold presidents accountable to the rule of law. Mr. Trump said he’s “not aware of any parts of the Constant-Tuition that give cucks the right to hold presidents accountable.”
“Seriously,” Trump egged his detractors on, “find me the phrase, ‘hold the president accountable’ in the Constant-Tuition and I’ll believe. Until then? Impeachment, the Democrats, Congress, the Constant-tution? All fake news!”
President Trump called any efforts to hold him accountable “dangerous for our country, and more importantly my ego.”
“Excuse me, but can you imagine what kind of country we’d have if the president were allowed to simply have his power checked and balanced against coequal parts of our government,” Trump bellowed. “Talk about utter chaos! That’s why it’s far more Americanish for us to make the presidency the way it should be, when big brained people that have normal sized hands and genitals are running it – like a king. I think kings are good. I mean, I know I like king sized Snickers bars, so what’s the big difference anyhow?”
The president insists that because the founders were “so totally obviously biased against [him],” that much of the Constitution should be “thrown out.”
“I’ll tell you this much. I’m not going to uphold and defend something written by a bunch of Never Trumpers,” the president said pointedly. “That’s like handing me a piece of paper that says, ‘Fuck you, Donny’ on it and expecting me to read it every day. Forget that, folks. I’m not gonna do it. And you literally can’t make me.”
Mr. Trump explained that “only Never Trumpers and dangerous, far-left, Nancy Pelosi Bob Mueller Angry Democrats” believe in impeaching him. Most Americans, Trump said, would “rather die” than have his actions investigated. He pointed to his Electoral College victory in 2016 as proof of this fact.
“I won, okay? I won bigly. Maybe technically it was one of the closest contests ever, but in my head it was a landslide,” Trump insisted. “Which means I have the will of the people behind me. Sure, only about half of a third of them, but you get my meaning. I’m here to stay, and no Never Trumper bull crap is taking me out!”
President Trump has ordered Space Force’s top scientists to develop “immediately as possible” the technology needed to travel through time, in order to address the situation.
“Obviously, we have only one solution to this problem,” Trump screamed. “We have to go back in time and kill them all. I’m sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but it’s either them or me. And I know, I know deep down where I feel my deepest and most sincere feelings, that every good, clean, white, ammo hoarding American patriot agrees with me.”
The president was asked if he’d fully thought out this plan to go back in time and kill the signers of the Constitution. What would happen to the country back in our time? What kind of changes would killing Madison and the others make on our timeline? Trump waved those concerns off with with a kingly disregard.
“So there’s not a United States of America, who cares? Maybe it’ll become Trumplandia,” Trump suggested. “Maybe it’ll get sold to Russia, who knows?”
“It’ll probably get sold to Russia though, right? I mean, let’s stop kidding ourselves here,” Trump said with a forced laugh. He looked around and motioned to the staff and small gathering of his supporters he’s started herding onto the White House driveway before his impromptu pressers begin.
They all started laughing in one, unified, slightly terrifying laugh.
“I am quite hilarious. I really am. I really, truly am,” Trump assured himself. “Now, if you’ll excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I have a helicopter ride to my D.C. golf course to take . They said we can even swing by Micky D’s on the way back for a Shamrock Shake. I know it’s almost November, but the one down the street from here says they’ll keep making them for me as long as I stay out of their restaurant dining room, whatever that means. I don’t really care, because who gets a Shamrock Shake every day ? ME, BABY!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.