WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, President Trump shocked utterly no one when he called Russian President Vladimir Putin and reportedly spoke to him for over an hour about many different topics, one of which was the conclusion of the Mueller investigation into Russia’s meddling with the 2016 presidential campaign.
While discussing the conversation, Trump said that he didn’t bring up the issue of Russia’s interference, even though the Mueller Report clearly concludes that the Kremlin undertook a massive, coordinated effort to do just that. President Trump told reporters that he and putin discussed the “Russia hoax,” despite more than a dozen intelligence agencies from around the world concluding otherwise, years before the Mueller Report confirmed it. According to the Kremlin, it was Trump himself who reached out to Putin, and not the other way around.
Today, President Trump was again spotted on the White House lawn, practicing his chip shots at protesters holding signs just outside the fence that surrounds the grounds. Reporters approached Mr. Trump and asked if they could speak to him about his call with Putin. Trump told them that “the nice ones can ask questions.”
“I don’t know what you ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE are so obsessed with my call with Putin,” Trump said. “It was just a regular, routine call between the guy who tried to interfere in our election and the guy who he was trying to help win. If you read the Barr Summary of the Mueller Report, it clearly states that I’m not guilty of collusion or obstruction, so what’s the big whoop?”
A reporter pointed out that the Mueller Report, aside from Attorney General Barr’s summary of it, only seems to state that a case of conspiracy to collude with Russian operatives couldn’t be established, that not that evidence supporting it wasn’t found, Trump laughed so hard he farted.
“Man, that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is one gassy mut, isn’t she,” Trump asked rhetorically. “Always farting, that Sarah.”
Huckabee Sanders was nowhere near the president at the time.
“Anyway, I forget what you were saying so let’s move on and in no way acknowledge the gaping hole in my cover-up that you just poked, okay? Great,” Trump said. “Honestly, this call was no different than a call you guys might have with your boss. An annual review. I didn’t get a merit raise this time, but he did give me a cost of living increase, so I’ll stay above inflation, which is nice.”
Trump says that he and Putin didn’t discuss whether or not Russia will not interfere in next year’s election. This raised red flags with many, even some in Trump’s own party. Trump waved off those concerns and said he and Putin discussed “something more importanter” than election meddling.
“Forget all that. That’s in the past. Who cares? Some people medle, some don’t. No big whoop. If Russia meddling got you guys your favorite and bestest president of all time, isn’t that worth it? I think it is,” Trump said. “And besides, Vlad and I got to the bottom of a much more vital issue.”
Reporters leaned in, about to furiously scribble notes on what Putin and Trump discsued.
“He and I both agreed that how marvelously normal all my body parts are,” Trump divulged. “Like, everything. It’s all totally normally shaped and sized. So, you guys report what you want, but I think you’re doing a bigly disservice to the American people if you don’t tell them how much Putin agrees that my genitals are just fine, totally normal in length, and definitely don’t resemble any characters from any video games.”
Trump farted again, and looked around for Huckabee Sanders.
“Jesus, Sarah! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooo! Anyway, the point is, fam, Vlad and I both agree there’s nothing comically deformed in my pants,” Trump said emphatically. “Make sure you write that down. NOW.”
The reporters tore up their notes and threw them in the trash on the way out.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.