Trump Asks The President Of Texas To Address Austin Bomber

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, authorities in Texas say that a fifth bomb bound for Austin exploded.

This time, however, marks the first bomb that has detonated inside a shipping facility. Officials have begun to investigate the string of bombings, whose targets have been African-Americans, as one serial bomber. It’s unclear at this time who the bomber is, or what their motive might be, however five bombs in less than a month is cause for concern, and some are wondering when the Federal authorities will be mobilized to Austin.

Heretofore, however, President Trump has not tweeted or spoken publicly about the bombings. The White House dismissed allegations that they are ignoring Austin this morning. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, carrying a box of chocolate covered, deep fried lard balls to her office, told the media that Trump is a “very busy man” and cannot respond personally to every crisis as it unfolds.

“It’s not like Oprah, Crooked Hillary, or an uppity black football player is doing the bombings,” Huckabee said, chocolate dripping down her arm that she’d lick at random times. “If that were happening you better believe he’d be tweeting like a mad man about it.”

Shortly after Huckabee’s interaction with the press, various members of right-wing media outlets like Breitbart, InfoWars, and Unbiased America were let into the Oval Office. There, reporters saw President Trump behind the Resolute Desk. Trump was barking orders at his secretary.

“Get me the President of Texas! I need to talk to him now, now, now, now,” Trump said, opening a Diet Coke as he swept his arm over the desk, knocking off the fifteen empty cans that had been on it. “We need to do something about these bombings.”

After a brief moment, Trump’s secretary entered the room, and handed him a long length of string with two cans attached to it. One can she put over trump’s right ear, and the other she handed directly to him. Trump smiled, and nodded, thanked her, and she left the room.

“Hello? Hello?! Hello,” Trump shouted into the can. He switched hands, covering the other ear and talking into the other can. “Hello? Oh! Hello, Mr. President. So lovely to speak to you. My, your hands sound big over the phone!”

Trump switched his hands back.
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“Thank you, President of Texas, that’s bigly kind of you to notice,” Trump said, satisfied tones in his voice. “Look, I need you to get right on this Austin bomber thing for me. You’ve got to handle this, because this is in your jurisdiction.”

Trump again switched his hand placement.

“Right away sir, I will get right on it, and have a full report by nightfall,” Trump told himself. “We’ll get down to the bottom of this so fast – ”

Switching his hands back, Trump interrupted himself.

“Wait! Slow your roll, cowboy,” Trump said. “Do you happen to know how many Electoral College votes I got from Austin?”

There was no answer on the other end.

“I ask because why should I take time out of my schedule to help people who didn’t give me a single Electoral College vote,” Trump asked the President of Texas.

Still no answer on the other end.

“Okay, well, do your job, but just, take your time,” Trump said. “If this was a Trump city, I’d be all about rushing it. But we can slow roll this one, I think.”

The President of Texas agreed to slow down the pace of his administration’s actions in Austin. He said, however, that he was worried the city’s African-American community would become upset with him if he took too long. Trump asked why, and the President of Texas told him that he’d heard “in some liberal rag” that all the victims were black.

“Why are all the victims playing the race card? All bombing victims matter,” Trump said. “Unless they did’t vote for me, then they matter just slightly less.”

This story is developing.

James’ satire is also found on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Science.

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