Quarantine Panic! Man Already Masturbated to Everything on Pornhub That Doesn’t Involve Incest

STROHK LAKE, CALIFORNIA — “Wait. Son of a bitch! I’ve gone in a circle jerk!”

John Puhdzingert’s roommate recalls that the words, in her words, “rang out like a shot in the night.” Confined to their three-bedroom apartment in a small Los Angeles county suburb, she, John, and their six other roommates have been sheltering in place together for nearly a month while the country attempted to halt the onslaught of COVID-19, and Teresa Sibbleson says that John’s voice cut through everything, and the whole apartment began to congregate in the kitchen, wondering what had just happened in the front hallway bathroom.

“Motherfucker. I can’t believe I’ve already gone through it all,” John exclaimed as he came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. “Do you…do you know what I’ve just gone and done? Jesus, I’m…I’m so worried about what I’m going to do now. This whole quarantine thing could last a long time, and I’ve already run completely out.”

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John walked into the kitchen, shaking his head. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a beer. Cracking it open, he took a big, long gulp, swallowed, and sighed. John’s shoulders rose quickly and fell slowly has he took a deep breath, and then another big sip of his beer. 

“What happened, John? What’s up,” Teresa says she asked him. 

John’s reply was soaked with shame, pain, and true worry. Each roommate was on edge, wondering what John was suffering through. They each gave him a concerned, empathetic look as he took one more sip from his beer.

“I’ve…I’ve already masturbated to everything on PornHub that doesn’t involve incest in any way,” John admitted, fighting back tears. “It feels so good to get it off my chest, but I’m still just so worried about what I’m going to jerk off to, now, man. I don’t know what the fuck is up with our species right now, but PornHub is like 98% incest porn right now.”

Because of how much incest-themed pornography is on PornHub currently, John says he was able to “blow right through” every clip that didn’t have a contextual connection to step-relations having intercourse with one another. In just the time they’ve been in quarantine, John told his roommates he had “spanked through” everything he could.

“Maybe young kids out there are into incest porn, but I don’t come from a state first in teen pregnancy and churches,” John explained, “so I couldn’t really say one way or the other. All I know is that this really puts it right up my ass, and I’m behind the eight ball now.”

His roommates told John they all felt terribly for his situation. Each one vowed to share any non-incest related porn with him that they found for the duration of the quarantine. Their kindness choked John up, he told them.

“That’s so amazing you guys. This horrible virus is so bad,” John said, “but I’m just so blown back by everyone’s kindness, generosity of spirit, and communal sharing of resources. The next time I jizz, I will absolutely be thinking of each and every 0ne of you.”

A group hug was shared among the roommates, and a toast of fine bourbon to their sexual openness was shared between them. They all were still pissed at Michael, though. Skipping dish night is unfair to everyone in the apartment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.