Racist, Lying Conman With Tiny Hands, Mushroom Penis, and Bad Spray Tan Who Fantasizes About Boning His Own Daughter Can’t Understand Why Anyone Would Laugh At Him

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Trump just doesn’t understand why anyone would ever laugh at his expense, according to sources close to the most powerful man in the free world, but he won’t rest until he finds out why.

“Why did they laugh at me, Ivanka? Why,” Trump was overheard howling to his daughter over the phone while riding Air Force One back to D.C. today.

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“Is it because I’m TOO powerful? TOO successful? Is this just jealousy Vanky Baby?”

No one was quite able to discern what the First Daughter said to her father, but it didn’t seem to calm his fears.

President Trump was apparently referencing a new video that has emerged out of this week’s NATO summit. In the video, the heads of state from Canada, the UK, and France mocking Trump’s behavior during the conference. This morning, President Trump abruptly canceled a press conference that was set for the end of the NATO summit. Instead, Trump said, he’d be flying back to Washington immediately after the last meetings of the day.

“Well, what is it then, babe? I don’t get it,” Trump said.

Trump must have pressed his special button beside him, because staff saw an aide rushing a bucket of KFC and a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke to him. Trump calls the meal his “thinking fuel.” After placing the food on a nearby table, Trump started scratching his chins, and thinking aloud

“No one has any reason to laugh at me, or mock, me or ridicule me,” Trump said, flipping through a scrapbook of his first year in office and stopping on a picture of him, with his son whatever his name is, and his wife, Not Ivanka, all on a White House balcony as the president stared right at a solar eclipse. “I know it’s not my totally normal hands, my totally regular obsession with you, my daughter, or my absolutely average, if not bigly yuge dong-wanger. So what could it be?”

The president paused, a look of confusion on his face. Ivanka reportedly started to worry herself, but then Trump farted and declared he had another thought to let out.

“I have never, ever done anything, or comported myself in any way, that is worthy of being mocked or laughed at,” Trump said as he flipped the scrapbook to the page that had a picture of himself on Air Force One, denying that he even know who Stormy Daniels was, much less how or why his attorney paid her six figures to stay quiet about a sexual encounter with him. “Oh man, those were good times. Before everyone knew about my dong.”

Another pause.

“Some days I wish you were still the one with the best knowledge of my dong shape and dimensions,” Trump said, “and again, I have never said or done anything publicly that would compel a bunch of people to think of me as some buffoonish moron who lucked into this amazing job.”

As Trump left the bedroom to start his daily routine of tweeting angrily, he turned back and saw that he’d left the TV on overnight again. It had become part of his regimen lately to fall asleep watching old videos of himself on TV during the 1980’s, 1990’s, and early 2000’s. Playing on the TV was an episode of Saturday Night Live that he hosted.

“See? Hardly anyone was laughing then, and I was telling jokes! So I don’t get what those U.N. people’s problems were,” Trump said, sniffling. “But I’ll show ’em! I’ll show ’em good! As long as Vlad says I can show ’em!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.