VALLE DE PENE QUEMADO, NEW MEXICO — No matter how much his groin region hurts, 37 year old Mitch Terkinblaum says he’s never, ever breaking up with his girlfriend. Mitch does admit, however, that he should probably stop referring to “her” as his “girlfriend” so that his friends aren’t confused when they come over to have dinner with the happy couple.
“In fairness, I’m actually in a very serious, very romantic relationship with one of the wall sockets in my living room,” Terkinblaum told us via Skype this week. “A lot of people don’t understand at first when they come over and I show them Socketine instead of a woman, or even a man, or well, any other human life form. Hell, some folks tell me these days they’re not even all that confused by people marrying their pets, but for some reason people still feel old school bigotry about a man and his loving, devoted electrical wall outlet.”
Terkinblaum says he remembers the day he knew he was “head over heels in love” with Socketine McJuice, as he chose to call the outlet.
“I was surprised myself. I’ve never had any personal issue with electrosexuality, but I also never personally fell in love with any electricity related items,” Terkinblaum said. “Until, of course that is, I met my dear, sweet Socketine. It was the day I was touring my apartment with the leasing agent. When she turned on the switch that lit up the lamp they had plugged into Socketine, well, let’s just say it wasn’t just the lamp that was turned on, and I wanted to insert my plug in Socketine, too, like that lucky lamp!”
For the most part, Mitch says his friends are pretty understanding once he explains everything, though. Over time, Terkinblaum says he and Socketine have built a “lifetime of memories” together, and he hasn’t loved anyone as freely and happily as he has with the wall outlet. But love, it seems, has come with a rather steep and unforeseen cost for Mitch Terkinblaum.
“It wasn’t even that long into our relationship, really, that I started having the pains,” Terkinblaum told us. “You know, in my dick? I would say that probably from that very first time we slept together, I had genital pain.”
He plans to make an appointment with his doctor, just as soon as he can afford the copay, Terkinblaum told us.
“I have insurance, but I only make $150,000 a year,” Mitch said, “and money doesn’t grow on trees. I’m hoping the doc will be able to tell me where the pain is coming from. Or at least prescribe something that works for it. Tylenol and ibuprofen aren’t doing shit, to be totally honest.”
As painful as his penis feels these days, the orgasms he has with Socketine “make it all worth it.”
“I swear to God, there are times where I come, and the next thing I know, I’m literally regaining consciousness,” Mitch said. “It’s like I die a little each time I get off with her, though, so I’m not going anywhere!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.