This morning, the living carbon fossil Chuck Grassley announced that he would be running for his eighth term in the U.S. Senate, representing the State of Iowa. Grassley is already the 10th-longest tenured congressional representative in American history. There had been speculation about Grassley, who would be more than 90 years old when the next term is up, would even run again.
In a video he tweeted this morning, Grassley put those questions to rest.
It’s 4 a.m. in Iowa so I’m running. I do that 6 days a week. Before I start the day I want you to know what Barbara and I have decided.
— Grassley Works (@GrassleyWorks) September 24, 2021
Grassley’s announcement is sure to bring relief to Republican leadership. The GOP is looking to take back both chambers of Congress in next year’s midterm elections, and if he had decided not to run, many feel it could have left his seat vulnerable. While many elected Republicans congratulated and praised Grassley this morning, there’s one unelected man living in Iowa who isn’t so sure about all this.
“If you’d have told me that I’d awaken from a hundred year slumber and Chuck would still be in office, I’d have laughed in your face,” Rip Van Winkle, a man who famously fell asleep for a century, told us via Skype. “Still, I have to wonder if Iowans have considered Grassley’s experience level. He still seems really wet behind the ears, if you ask me.”
Van Winkle told us that he can remember very clearly the day that Grassley was born.
“Back then, Iowa had even fewer people living here than it does now. Any birth was big news back then because it would skyrocket our population numbers,” Van Winkle explained. “So it’s hard for me to imagine little Chucky Grassley, who I remember my little brother playing that new-fangled game Abner Doubleday invented with, could be a Senator in the first place.”
Despite Grassley already serving seven terms in office, Van Winkle believes he’s still too “young and inexperienced.”
“At least, I think he must be. Because why else would you say and believe the things Chuck does, if you’re not some young, uneducated dumbass,” Van Winkle asked rhetorically. “Even little baby kids know that climate change is real and trickle down economics don’t work for Chrissakes.”
Van Winkle told us he’ll decide by the end of next week whether or not to challenge Grassley for his seat.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.